Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Where to go... From here

That's my struggle these days. I have been training myself to have positive thoughts when I see families and babies. I have been training myself to think, I will have one of those someday. It seems to ward off some of the sadness and fear. I really don't want to be a bitter and resentful person who falls into self pity and envy every time I see someone with what I want.

This has been particularly hard on the heels of my miscarriage, with my BF being PG. I love her and I only want her happiness, I really do. I also know that a million people getting pregnant and having babies in no way has any effect on my outcome, I know this. But it doesn't make it any easier to ohhh and ahhh over her ultrasound, baby scrap book, list of names or the cutest baby thing she just bought, without choking back a sea of emotion.

I really had to fight the sadness when I saw her u/s picture. It was so hard because that is where it all fell apart for me, at the u/s. She is due 2 weeks after I would have been. How am I going to feel when she delivers and I go see the baby, thinking about my own lost opportunity? Will the pain be duller and more acceptable by then? I certainly hope so. This is a person I have been friends with my entire life (nearly 20 years), I love her like a sister, I in no way would ever want her to experience the pain and heartache of IF that I have gone through and it's not as though she is not sensitive to my feelings, she always asks if it is OK if she talks about her PG and plans etc. And I really do want to be a part of her life and her baby's life and their happiness, but damn, is it hard!

On a physical note, still no bloody (no pun intended) sign of my period in sight. Five weeks on Friday since my d&c. I hope it either comes now or waits. I am leaving for Las Vegas, a week from Friday and don't want to have to deal with that abomination during my vacation. But on the other hand, the sooner it comes, the sooner I am back in the trenches with my acupuncture and at least the ability to try on our own. And for those of you who are thinking it, I did a hpt last week and it was neg. So I guess that is my benchmark. I am afraid to do another. Dr. Optimistic told me 4-6 weeks for my period so I guess I am still on track, I was hoping for the 4, but when does anything ever goes as planned in the crazy world of IF!

I have, as many of you can relate to, been feeling very melancholy. I am struggling and fighting to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I have moments when I am alone, that it all overwhelms me and I have a little cry. I am not drowning, just treading water, with the occasional feeling I can't keep it up. So the month of March is all about me! Like when is life not about me? Tee-hee! But really I am being completely self-indulgent, I have a spa day coming up this Saturday, then I am off to Vegas and when I get back, I am going away for the weekend with an old friend, who has been battling bre.ast can.cer. Hopefully it will promote some spiritual healing before I proceed on with the next chapter in my life.

I am shutting the door on this chapter of my first failed pregnancy and am ready to start writing the next chapter.


RTTguapa said...

hey, you actually sound like you're doing really well.
you know what's going on with yourself emotionally and that's just so great.
and most importantly, you haven't lost hope.

Sarah said...

hi, i just came across your blog and am so sorry to hear of your loss, but want to thank you for writing with such honesty. it benefits the whole IF community so much when we share these things. i hope it helps to know that sharing your story helps others.

it does sound like you're doing well and very balanced. i hope your month of indulgence is fabulous!!

The Fertility Shop said...

Wonderful blog!