Thursday, September 06, 2007

Perspective...

I was feeling a little mopey after Nurse M called yesterday, but I have to remain positive, it's only our first try and we had all agreed that this would be a trial and error cycle until we see how I respond to the meds. Plus it's not over until it's over, I kind of feel like I won't really know anything until the scan on Saturday.

Then we'll see if I have any follies and how big they are, maybe the increased meds will do the trick! God, it's no wonder I can't get pg au naturale, it really is taking a village! I firmly believe that I have to have something happening in these tired old ovaries of mine. I had a scan on cd 9 last month and had 3 follies on one ovary and I think 1 or 2 on the other and that was only on the M*et. We didn't measure them, because it seemed pointless then, but I would be very surprised if nothing is going on in there now.

Well, I guess we'll see soon. Clark is going in to the city for me after work today, he commutes half way between our hometown and the big city anyway for work, so it seemed to make sense that he goes and picks up my additional pure.gon cartridge since I am going to be needing more now that the dose is increased. The rinky-dink pharmacies here don't stock it and can't get it in for a few days, and I'll be out by tomorrow. It actually ended up kind of nice that the scan will be on a Saturday, so Clark can go with me. Although it means getting up at 5am on a Saturday to be there for 7am for bw.

I was thinking yesterday as I was driving (was that only yesterday, it's hard for me to believe that it is only cd9, this has been the longest cycle of my life!) to the city, - will I ever tell my child the story of their conception? Will they know how much they were wanted and how much Clark and I prayed for their arrival, is it something you share with your child? Will I tell my daughter when she is contemplating children of her own how much I was willing to go through to hold my own child in my arms? Will I tell my son, when I see my grandchild for the first time, how many tears I cried in hopes of that moment? Will any of these dreams be realized and will any of these questions ever need answers? I hope so. I really hope this is all worth it in the end. I know when I look into my child's eyes for the first time, it will have all been worth it and more. I know it.

I also really feel this journey, in the end will make me a better parent and will never have me taking my kids for granted. I will treasure every mommy moment even the tired ones, and the hard ones and the scary ones. For this child I really do pray. God help me.

3 comments:

Chas said...

You are very right, you will never take your children for granted. That is one of the few good things about having to go through all of this junk. I am glad you are trying to keep a positive outlook. I have my up days and down days lately (I'm sure you know why if you've been reading my private blog), and I think it's just impossible to be optimistic all the time. One minute I'm telling myself that even if we have to adopt a second child I'll still love it and appreciate it as much as my own, and the next minute I'm crying b/c all I really want is to be pregnant again. Blech. Anyway, you are a strong girl, and eventually it'll happen...it just sucks we don't know what lengths it'll take to get there.

Fertilize Me said...

Found you from Cyclesistas - I am having my very first IUI (on monday) and first time using injectibles. Just wanted to wish you lots of luck and prayer for those ovaries to respond well.

Kirsten said...

It's so hard and you are right, it does seem to take a village!! I hope that your appointment went well on Saturday; hope to see a post soon.
I know taking the plunge to IUI was a big one but just remember it is not your last option if it doesn't work. I pray that you won't have to explore any other options but modern medicine (and, of course, God!) brought me my two precious gifts and I know you will have yours one day as well. Just take it a day at a time...of course, you can't help but think of the what if's but all you can do is what you are doing and I think you are doing great.