I popped over to Disenchanted with Reality and read her most recent post. WOW! Can I relate to all the feelings and tensions she has with regard to her hubby. Clark and I have been going through the same thing. He keeps everything bottled up inside, and my hurt and anger and disappointment just seems to come out as impatient and bitchy.
I am still hurting, I am still disappointed and the Holiday season just makes it that much worse, all the festive Santa stuff, just reminds me how I'm not celebrating the holidays with my own kids. None of our siblings have kids either so there is no Santa visit in our houses. Christmas is a low key day, we open presents and don't get me wrong, our families are incredibly generous and we are blessed in so many ways. But I was the last baby born in my and Clark's families, making me the youngest and let's face it Christmas is so much about Children and surprise.
So as another Holiday passes and I am reminded again of what I don't have, I really am trying to embrace what I do have. Clark and I had a great talk the other night, he finally acknowledged and validated my feelings. I have been rather mean to him lately, not intentionally, just unconsciously, I think I was harbouring some resentment toward him, he seems to just move on with no mourning period whatsoever and here I am wallowing. It's hard. I won't deny, I struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, sometimes I am gripped with a sadness that causes me physical pain and almost brings me to my knees. I'm also angry and bitter and resentful. I don't want to be. But I look back at the past year and think wow, 2 pgs and 2 miscarriages in less than a year. My hormones are all over the place and I'm sure that doesn't help. Clark remains positive and hopeful and I can't look to the future yet. I can't contemplate another pg, because with it I contemplate the possibility of another loss. I'm not sure I can lose another baby, I think it would tear down the last shred of sanity I am holding onto. But I know I will move forward for him.
When I look back I think about what a long, awful, unexpected journey this has been. But then I fear that it has only begun. There is so much more to come. The investigations, the tests, the vicious cycle of cycles, the hope and the despair. When I began the process of assisted trying, I feared how I would cope physically, if I was strong enough and stoic enough to get through the needles and the bloodwork and the u/s and the lap and the hundreds of other pokes and prodes. But now I know, it's not the physical that brings us down, it's the emotional hell I have been through. It's a road so dark, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's a tip to hell so real that I hope not another couple ever buys a ticket. As I write this the song playing on the radio is "I will go down with this ship". God I hope that's not true.
Saturday I got my period. I scheduled my sono-hsg for Tuesday (a week from today). It's the last thing I want to do before the Holidays. But my get-er-done attitude makes me just want to get things moving forward. I'm afraid if I don't take this first step. I never will. This is the first in the process to figure out why my babies keep dying. Clark wants me to do it. He so much as told me so. He would like to believe we are on the cusp of figuring out what the problem is. I hope he's right.
I feel a lot of guilt as well like this is all my fault and Clark is just unlucky and along for the ride, because he didn't choose a suitable breeding partner. I know that's silly. But I can't help it.
Whoa, I don't even know where all of that came from, but I guess I need to get it out. Apparently the Holidays are effecting me more than I thought. I promise an uplifting post next time. Complete with reno and dog pics and a complete update on the surprise I got Clark for Christmas, which I hope will allow us some time together and bring us back to happier times in our relationship.