Infertility & Hope

Where does the time go???

2009-12-08T14:57:00.002-05:00

Well 6 months have come and gone and baby K is healthy and happy and BUSY!! She's rolling and trying hard to crawl. She is such a joy!! Of course I have the usual frustrations, not enough sleep and feeling Mommy burnout some of the time. I think I need to learn to leave her a bit more and get out. It's so hard for me to be away from her, but I am in need of some recharging.

But for the most part everyday is just a blessing with her. She has been a very happy, content baby and I am dreading the thoughts of returning to work, although that I know I will. We have started to contemplate baby #2 or at least giving it a try. We have not been using anything to prevent a pregnancy, but of course I haven't got pregnant yet. Although any sooner than now and I think I would have been a little overwhelmed!!

I'm heading back to the specialist in January, just to see what the plan of action would be. Would he want me back on the Met? I have 2 frozen blasts so we'll use those first, although I'm not optimistic about them surviving the thaw. Ideally I'd like to get pg again sometime around July or August so they would be about 2 years apart and I'll deliver around my 35th birthday, but we know how planning these things goes. I make plans and God laughs! So we'll see...

I'm thinking about shutting down this blog or moving on somewhere else, the entire focus and purpose of why I started this blog has changed and I'm not sure anybody is actually reading anymore, although I can't blame them with my sporadic posting. It served such a great purpose during such a trying time in my life but me and so many things have changed since then, I feel I need to change it too. I'll see how ambitious I get.

That's about it for now just enjoying one day at a time and looking forward to the holidays!!!

This and That...

2009-09-10T21:53:00.002-04:00

Well, things are ticking along. Time flies with a little one. She is successfully sleeping through the night, now if I could only get her to nap during the day. We are still hanging in, not much new to report.

Growing like a weed and started on pablum. Everyday is a new adventure and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm still checking in on my blog buds, so please comment if any of you are still hanging around for updates and I'll post some updated pics.

A Quick Update...

2009-07-23T21:47:00.002-04:00

This motherhood thing is so under rated. No one tells you how wonderful it is to see your baby's smile first thing in the morning (even if is is 6:45) or to see her interact with a toy for the first time! I'm telling you working hard for something really does make you appreciate it even more. Sure there is the diapers and the spit up and the middle of the night feedings, but I even find a way to enjoy those!

We are all thriving, healthy and happy. Baby K is growing like a weed! 10lbs 4oz at last check and made it through our 8 week shots with only a little grumpiness!! She is a very happy contented baby and is making every day an adventure.

This is truly the happiest I have ever been in my life! Oh yeah, worked called and offered me another contract to start in September, I said no. I'm crazy, but I don't want to miss a moment with my little girl, that I worked soooo hard for!!! Work can wait... My baby will only be a baby for so long. Yeah, we're not rich, but who needs new clothes!!! I feel great about my decision, even if others think I am crazy!

A New Understanding...

2009-06-25T21:53:00.004-04:00

I have a new understanding of so many things that I thought I knew about. Things have really changed for me since becoming a parent. Starting with my freedom and motivation to blog. I thought I would blog religiously about my little one's life. But there just isn't the time or inclination!!

But this has been such a source of therapy for me during all the years of trying to get pregnant and through the ups and downs and even through my pregnancy. So I feel like I should close that chapter with the brief details of my baby girl's arrival.

First I awoke around 1:30 am, thinking something was going on, but it wasn't much and I thought perhaps it was just false labour or really good Brax.ton Hi.cks. By about 3:30 I woke up my dear husband to inform him, I think it was happening and although only the early stages, I was pretty sure he would be calling in absent to work the next morning. I no sooner got those words out and starting doing some last minute packing and baby room organizing just to take my mind off things, then my water broke.

So off I go to call the Midwife. She arrived an hour or so later and checked the baby's vitals etc. Things were pretty slow, so she told me to meet her at her office at 9:30, I tried to sleep but couldn't more due to my mental anxiety and apprehension then the contractions.

At 9:30 she checked I was 4cm. She wanted me to go the hospital and start some inducing meds to really get things going. By 4;4:30 I was fully dilated and ready to push. At 6:30 there was much progress and the OB on call came to check in with us. It was pretty uneventful labour the baby was doing fine, I had some drugs, it was ok. But the OB felt she just wasn't moving down so he called for a c-section at 7pm. There was an emergency c-section next door and I had to wait for that to be completed, so somewhere around 8:30, they took me into the OR and gave me a full spinal, it was an amazing feeling, everything felt better instantly. At 9:29 my beautiful baby girl make her first cries and entrance into the world. I got to see her briefly and then hubby took her off to the nursery and to seem my mom and best friend who were in the waiting room.

It was an amazing, indescribable experience. I was so glad I was awake, we have tons of pictures and my baby arrived and she is perfect, healthy and happy. The recovery was really relatively easy. Of course I was a bit sore but so running on adrenalin and love, I barely noticed my discomfort. I spent 4 days in the hospital, breast feeding didn't work out for us, but she is doing really well on formula.

She has been a pretty content baby. I have been getting a little sleep, and wouldn't trade a minute with her for anything. I have never felt so in awe and fulfilled in all my life. She truly is a miracle and I feel blessed each and every time I look into her eyes, even if she is wailing her head off at the time.

I'll do my best to post occasionally but I can already see how little time I have to get on the computer. I do keep checking in with all of you. A new chapter has definitely begun in my life.

To those of you yet to complete your journey to parenthood, all I can say is that every sacrifice and hardship I endured during those years where worth every ounce of heart ache and pain to get to where I stand right now. It brings tears to my eyes sometimes when I think about how lucky I am to be rocking my baby in the middle of the night.

She's Here!!!

2009-06-06T17:02:00.002-04:00

Sorry so long in updating, but boy have I been busy. Baby girl made her debut a few days early on May 20th. She weighed in at 7lbs 6.5oz and is just perfect. Labour & delivery was not that bad, although I ended up having a c-section due to 0 descent, after about 10 hours of labour.

She is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I am enjoying her immensely and even the sleepless nights are tolerable while looking at her sweet little face. I will try for a longer post in a few days with the birth story, but for now I am stealing a few precious moments while she sleeps.

I am complete...

39 weeks?

2009-05-14T22:12:00.002-04:00

I always thought I would deliver early. For this entire pegnancy, I thought, I'd be at least a week or 2 early. While I guess there is still time to be a little early. I am approachiung the week countdown. Saturday I'll be 39 weeks. I am really starting to get a bit anxious about labour, but at the same time I just want to get it over with.

Had my first internal today, only 1cm and baby is still fairly high. I know it really means nothing, but I was hoping to be ready to go soon!

I'll keep you posted.

Still Hanging In...

2009-04-30T13:04:00.002-04:00

I'm almost at the 37 week mark! And I am ready to have this baby. I'm starting to get to the huge uncomfortable stage and sleeping is no easy feat these days. But I have to say, I am grateful fro every uncomfortable moment, to know all of this will yield my daughter in the end. Can't wait for her to arrive and to hold her in my arms.

It seems as though we have been waiting on this day for years, and well, I guess we have. The last 3 1/2 years seem like a blur, I used to know all the dates of treatments and failures and how many times we did this and that, and what drugs I was in what amounts. Now it all seems jumbled together, all I see is my blossoming belly and the experience the thrill of feeling baby girl rolling around in there. As much as I am ready to have my body be my own again, i do love being pregnant and would go through this entire journey twice over just to get here. I know it will all be worth it in the end.

I'm off today for my 7th u/s!! Just to check position the midwife wants to be certain that baby girl is head down. It never hurts to have a peak at her!

I finished work last Friday and I can't wait to start the next phase of this miraculous journey, I know there will be challenges along the way, but there always are. I'm anxious about labour and delivery, but we'll do what we have to as always. I'll keep you posted!

32 Weeks and what a week!!!

2009-03-27T08:08:00.002-04:00

First, I must say, I haven't had nearly as much time as I used to to blog. My new job has less private internet access, so I can't get on there and at home I'm too tired to engage the computer at night.

But here I am at 32 weeks. We had a little scare this week at our check up u/s. They flagged me as having low fluid. So they most frightening hauled me into the hospital for a non stress test, which is slightly scary at not even 32 weeks. I was hooked up to fetal monitors for about an hour and a portable ultrasound was given. All seemed ok. The fluid appeared perfectly normal levels at this one and the baby was doing just fine as far as movement and heart rate.

They are following me up with another ultrasound in 2 weeks, there is slight concern over the baby's abdominal measurement, I have been transferred to an ob (for now). I guess there main concern is the I.U.G.R., but I mean if you saw me and the size of me, you would wonder how that could be a consideration. I know that's not an accurate predictor, but really.

So I must admit I'm a little bit fearful at the moment, I'll feel better at this next u/s. But I am trying to not let the anxiety get the better of me. We've come this far and I know baby girl s going to be just fine. I have decided to take off work a little earlier than expected. I have not been told to leave work, so I am still working for now, I was hoping to work until 2 weeks before my dd. But I think I'll leave 2 weeks earlier than that. I probably don;t need the stress, and I want to ensure do all that I can to keep in the oven as long as possible and not be growth restricted.

26 Weeks...

2009-02-18T21:22:00.002-05:00

Wow, I suck at blogging lately. I have just been too busy being pregnant, working and prepping for baby girl's arrival.

I am still so in awe of this whole pg thing. I feel pretty normal at this point, other than my protruding belly and how tired I am. I feel baby girl in there banging around everyday now, some does she does more flips and kicks than others but mostly she moves around plenty enough to keep me reassured. i think she knows her mom is a paranoid freak and is quick to remind me that she is ok in there, thankfully.

Time is just flying i can't believe I am on the cusp of entering my third trimester. We have mostly finished the nursery, a few additions on the wall and minor things here and there, but it's painted, the furniture is in, it looks really good. My MIL even made up the crib with the bedding. We do need to get a blind and a lamp, but mostly we're done.

I registered at BRU and found there's not a lot I need, which is wonderful. Baby girl is the first grand baby all around, so the grandparents have gone mad buying us all the big gear. I got a couple gently used items from friends. But the things I need most now are outfits and towels and such. So I registered for the extras, that will be great if we get them, but aren't necessities.

A few parenting fears are creeping in here and there, sometimes I wonder how I will have the energy once she arrives, I am so bushed all of the time right now, I really hope that's a pg thing and I will regain some of my spunk not too long after delivery.

I have about 10 weeks left of work and I think I will be ready to go when it's time. I can't wait to have a year off!! Clark will be off for the summer with me, which will be great.

I have a few labour and delivery fears niggling at the back of my mind, but I figure I can't control how it will all happen, so I am trying to teach myself to roll with it. We start pre.natal classes in a week or so, so that should be interesting.

Mostly I am hanging out in my daughter's nursery feeling incredibly blessed.

IT"S A GIRL!!!!!

2009-01-09T21:49:00.002-05:00

OMG!! I'm so excited I can barely type this!! We're having a baby girl. I am jumping for joy. The u/s went great baby girl is healthy and pretty much right on track. Just got the confirmation from the midwife, it's definately a girl!!

I didn't care which it was, but it makes it so real now knowing that it's going to be a little girl!! Oh my god, I am going to have a daughter!! How did I get from where I was a year a go to here??? I am so blessed!!

And I leave you with a belly shot, no you would't believe I am only 5 months along. But I was little chunky to begin with (although not this chunky)!!!

Time Flies...

2009-01-04T18:15:00.001-05:00

I can't believe that I haven't posted in over a month!!! The holidays flew by and I hit the half way point in my pregnancy, 20 weeks down and 20 weeks to go!!

Tomorrow is the big tell tale u/s. Hopefully I will be able to tell you all whether we are expecting a boy or a girl!! I don't care either way, I just wanted a healthy, happy baby, but I can't wait to decorate the nursery for our little miracle either way!!

Happy holidays and happy new year to all!! Stay tuned.

15 weeks...

2008-12-01T10:12:00.002-05:00

It's still hard to believe, I'm here at over 15 weeks, almost making the four month mark! And boy does my belly look it. No more keeping it a secret, it's pretty obvious at least to people who know me.

My anxiety is lessening each day. I was a little worried over the weekend about how wet my undies have been (sorry TMI!), but my girlfriends assure me this is pretty normal at this stage, kind of scared me at first. I know I need to get over and enjoy! Well not the wet panties, but the pg.

I am truly blessed, I can't wait another 5 weeks, to find out what it is! I want to know! I have my eye on bedding for both genders. And I can't wait to get started on the nursery.

I will post some belly pics soon.

I Believe...

2008-11-16T19:26:00.002-05:00

The truth is finally setting in. I stare at the u/s pics for moments at a time unable to believe they are really of my baby. But it really is strating to sink in. After all these years and all these countless trips to the RE, a miracle really has happened. We're really going to have a baby of our own.

Needless to say, our family is thrilled, we are thrilled. A small bit of progress has started on the nursery. We are definitely going to find out the sex of baby bubbles. Our next u/s is scheduled for Jan. 5th. So hopefully we will be able to see that day.

Everyone is convinced, I will have a girl. I really don't know. I thought at first maybe a boy, but I really can't say I have strong feeling one way or another.

My body really started to shift this week at 13 weeks. My regular jeans definitely don't fit at all anymore. Work / dress pants are still a doable as long as they are fairly stretchy fabric. I have to get out and at least get some pants next weekend. Mater.nity clothes suck! I couldn't wait until I had to wear them, now I can find nothing that feels comfortable or looks flattering. Maybe it is my prepregnancy plus size that makes it more difficult or perhaps I am just at that in between stage right now. Time will tell. But I think a major shopping trip is in order soon.

I think we're actually having a baby!

2008-11-10T16:52:00.001-05:00

We saw it! It looked like a baby and they tell me it's in me! I can't believe it. Me - I'm really going to have a baby! I don't think I honestly believed it was really going to happen until now!

We saw the little baby bubbles rolling around, stretching out it's arms and legs and a beautiful heart beating strong at 163!

It was wonderfully amazing.

I'm having a baby, I think I'll go shout it from the roof tops!!

12 Week Ultrasound...

2008-11-10T11:08:00.002-05:00

Today's the big day. The first real look at baby bubbles. Hopefully I'll be posting later today about how wonderful it was. Honestly I'm scared. I know it's silly to be scared at this late date and I've already heard a strong heart beat. But anything can happen and today, I just want to be reassured all is going well in there. Please pray for us today.

I'll post later with details.

Double Digits and a Heartwarming Experience...

2008-10-30T19:19:00.002-04:00

Phew! 2 weeks since I posted, so far this first trimester is flying by for my and thank goodness, as I am not a patient person. I couldn't believe when I logged on and saw double digits - 10 weeks, actually almost 11 already. Never thought I would make it this far and am still counting my blessings daily.

Things seem to be motoring along for the most part for me. I feel pretty good really. A little nausea still occasionally and a lot of fatigue, but nothing that's a horrible deal.

And the most exciting news! I had my first midwife appt. on Tuesday (yes midwife, I'll get into that later) and I heard the heartbeat!!! For those of you following my journey you know how utterly important and how much this means to me. I cried, it was the loveliest sound I have ever heard! My 12 week u/s is scheduled for a week from Monday, I am really looking forward to that for the utmost reassurance that all is well with baby bubble.

As for the Midwife, well, I researched a lot of options, where to deliver - my town or the city where to get an OB, which OB, etc. and nothing felt right. Then my friends kept recommending I think about a midwife. So as I am approaching 11 weeks and really needed to make a decision and find someone to get my prenatal blood work and 12 week u/s ordered, I took the plunge and made an appt with our local midwife clinic.

Let me tell you it was a fabulous experience, we met for 2 hours, yes, 2 hours, and that was actually talking to her, not sitting in the waiting room. She asked me a million questions, we talked about delivery, care during the pregnancy, everything. It was a great experience and seeing as how I have not be deemed high risk, I can safely go to the midwife for my care, unless something out of the ordinary arises at which time they will consult with an OB, but let's hope that doesn't happen. The best part is the midwives attend the entire labour and deliver process with you and will even if your care is transferred to an OB later in pg. Oh, and did I mention that you get a pager number for your midwife in case you have questions or something scary happens. Love it.

Anyway, needless to say I feel great about this decision even if it does seem a bit unconventional. But then again what has been conventional about this process so far?? I really want a change of pace from the whole "medical" experience I have had thus far. I am of course delivering in a hospital, I'm not that much of a free spirit.

So that's where I am right now. Things are good.

Quick Update...

2008-10-16T20:04:00.002-04:00

Things are still chugging along ok for us. I'm feeling pretty good no real serious morning sickness a little tired, but pretty good.

I have an appt with my family doctor first thing on Monday. Feels weird going back to him after everything I have been through. But I need him to refer me to an ob/gyn in the city, because I do not want the ob I had been seeing before here in my town. Plus I really want to deliver in a bigger city. Our hospital, doesn't have the greatest reputation and i trust them more in the city, it's less than an hour's drive, so I think it will be fine. Plus now that I am only working 4 days a week, I can always schedule my appts for my days off.

I still don't really believe this miracle is happening to me. I thank god every day for this wonderful blessing. I try not be anxious. Although, things still worry me. I know that's normal. I know it's still pretty early in the pg and I definitely appreciate that anything can happen at any time, so I am definitely not taking anything for granted. I am just really trying not to let the worry get the best of me and rob me of the joy I feel.

I will feel better when I get to my doctor in the city and I get a 12 week u/s. A few more weeks of stress and then hopefully I will have some reassurance that all is well with the Little bubble in there.

I swear my waist line is burgeoning, I am a chunky girl to begin with, so no one will notice for quite some time I am sure, but I notice in the way that my pants fit and the hardness of my tummy, already it is uncomfortable to lay on it.

Keep us in your prayers and thanks for all your congratulations and warm support!

The Happiest Day of My Life...

2008-10-11T10:15:00.002-04:00

I will be truly thankful, this Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. We saw a heartbeat!!

OMG! It was the most beautiful and relieving thing I have ever seen. The u/s went perfectly. The little bubble was measuring 7w 3d, and I was 7w 4d, so right on track. The heartbeat was there and the doctor said everything looked great!! Oh and there is only one!!

I would have been fine with twins, but one is great! I am just counting my blessings right now. I am so grateful.

Confirmed dd is may 23!! I am so excited, our family is so excited. We have been released by the clinic and will find a regular ob/gyn next week.

Thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement and keeping us in your prayers. We are truly blessed. I am still nervous for the first trimester to be over so I can move forward to some more stable ground, but I am going to try not to let the worry get the best of me.

It has been a long road for us to get here, over 3 years since we starting trying on our own and I will never take any of this for granted.

I am so happy, I can't even begin to express it!!!

Scary times...

2008-10-06T10:01:00.002-04:00

Just a quick post. Nothing new to say. I'm still living in limbo land waiting for the results of this ultrasound. I am scared to say the least, I have no idea which way things will go. But I am trying to remain as positive as I can.

I feel pretty good still and still very different than my unsuccessful pgs, no cramping and just generally feel better. I'm still scared, I keep imaging both outcomes. The warm fuzzy one, where I get to see my baby (ies?) heart beat for the first time and I get to see that little flutter on the screen and Clark and I get to go home and tell out family the joyful news!! I have imagined every little detail, will I be so overwhelmed with joy, will I want to buy out the babies store? I want that outcome so badly.

The other outcome, I don't have to imagine, quite as hard. I have lived it twice before, the blank stares of the doctors, the realization that everything is not ok, and is not going to be ok. The sound of my hopes and dreams shattering. Yeah, I really don't want to go there again.

I'm scared. But only time will tell if this time will be different.

One week down...

2008-09-29T10:31:00.003-04:00

Well, I have been MIA this last week, due to my new job! It's been keeping me very busy and I'm still doing my old job part time, so distractions are everywhere, thankfully!

I can't believe a week has already passed. Only 11 days to go until the big u/s. This is such a scary time for me. I keep hoping everything will turn out the way I want it to. I am six weeks pregnant! So hard to believe. I really feel pretty normal other than the prog symptoms, like sore bbs and really, really tired. I have had a few short bouts of mild nausea, nothing that I would complain too much about. And some serious heartburn, does that start this early?

All is all, life is chugging away. I feel like I am seriously on the cusp of having it all. I have a great new job, that pays me pretty decent money, I am starting to realize my dream of becoming a mom and hopefully good things will continue to happen for us!

It has been such a long road and I am at such an uncertain time in my life both with the job and this pg. I can't help but be a tiny bit stressed, but i just keep praying it will all work itself out!!!

Too much thinking...

2008-09-22T10:45:00.002-04:00

I have really been focusing on the positive over the weekend. I keep hoping this time is going to be different for me and that all will work itself out.

Such stressful times, these early days of pg for us IFers. I keep watching my ticker thinking 18 days until the u/s. Can I make it without having a complete melt down. I'm scared, but trying not to stress about it. I don't think I can survive a 3rd m/c and I don't even want to think like that, but after everything that has happen to me in the last 3 years, it's hard not to let that doubt creep into the back of your mind.

I know I will go on, no matter what the outcome, and I feel so truly blessed that this ivf even worked!! I know so many people who never even get to see a bfp. At least I have hope right now, hope that this may all work out and I might even get a real live baby in 8 months.

So again I have to stay focused on my gratitude. I am grateful for every day I have with this little bubble and hoping for the next 18 days, I can just let go and let God.

Well the numbers are in...

2008-09-19T13:51:00.003-04:00

Beta today was 289. I guess I would be 18DPO or 15DP3Dt. I actually am happy with this number as was my clinic and they said there is no reason to retest.

Both other times I have been pg the betas came in at crazy high number like 1800 and 2200. Obviously this was not a good sign. So I am thinking 289 is a good number.

So now we wait again. My u/s is actually the 10th! One less day to wait. As my clinic informed me that they don't do 8 week u/s on Saturdays. And we wait. I am going to get good at this patience thing if it kills me.

I have to say I am wholly encouraged that the number came back at a much different value than the last 2 times. I also checked Dr. Google and everything I have read indicates that the average beta at 4 weeks should be between 5 - 426 mIU/ml . So that puts me smack in the middle and I am very happy with that. I wish be.ta.ba.se was working. But maybe it's better I don't over obsess.

So now I wait. I would be most interested to hear what your betas looked like. Feel free to comment.

A New Look...

2008-09-18T13:15:00.002-04:00

For a new chapter in my life! I hope I am moving into phase two of my life, parenthood! So finally after nearly 3 years of keeping this blog, I felt is was time for a new look!

And what better timing than the week I find out IVF #2 worked!!! I hope you all enjoy the new look and for all you lurkers out there please feel free to comment, I'd love to hear from you!

Nothing too much new. Getting ready to start my new job on Tuesday, The new job is only 3 days a week, but as much money as I make now working 5! So this is perfect timing in some ways. I am staying on at my old job the other 2 days a week until they get someone hired and trained. So I will be banking the extra for baby goodies! Not to mention a new wardrobe for me!!

Beta is tomorrow, I feel pretty good, a little tired, eating is weird, sometimes I am famished and could eat everything in sight and other days I barely feel like eating at all. A few weird twinges, nothing I would call cramping, just some pulling feelings in the top of my legs and lower abdomen. I guess I would be about 4 weeks 4 days today, so things are still very early.

Otherwise, the bubbles seem to be hanging in there and we are just taking it one day at a time. I will feel much better when I see an u/s. The betas don't hold much weight with me, as my first 2 pgs had great numbers. So we'll see, one foot in front of the other.

It's very hard to keep my excitement down to a dull roar!!

Holy Friggin' Crap!!!

2008-09-15T10:21:00.002-04:00

I wasn't going to blog this, but I can't help myself, I can't tell anyone else right now and I need to share this excitement with someone or I am going to burst!!!!!

I did an HPT this morning, it's a little early at 11DP3DT, but what can I tell you, I couldn't resist the urge to pee on something!!!! And unbelievably it was positive!!! It was a faint positive but definitely positive, I did 2 just to make sure!! I can't even believe I am typing these words. I am just soooo grateful right now I am ready to jump out of my skin. I can't concentrate on anything else, I should be finishing up work here at my old job seeing as how I have only this week left full time. And not to mention how this is going to effect my new job!!!

Now I know this is all early, I have been here twice before and have not had successful outcomes, so please continue to pray for me and my bubbles. My 8 week u/s is scheduled for the 11th of October. So it's going to be hard until then, that's where my 2 previous pg's went to hell in a hand basket with no heartbeat either time. But I think these little bubbles are much stronger - they survived retrieval and being in a petri dish and then put back into my body!!! I think they are in it for the long haul!!! I can't be cautious here, I already have so much invested in this pregnancy, that I know I will be devastated if history repeats itself.

So I am going to try not to worry too much and just roll with it. I have a new job to keep me busy for the next 4 weeks. I am going to try not to be paranoid about everything I eat or drink, about everything I lift, about every twinge I feel. I am not going to let past circumstances make me crazy!!

I am just so happy right now in this moment!!! Beta on Friday.

8DP3DT...

2008-09-12T13:44:00.002-04:00

Time is ticking so slowly!! I am dying to have some resolve here. I need to know the answer to the burning question, where is my magic 8 ball!!

I have been keeping busy, I accepted a new job. So that's starts is a week and a half. I know, crazy timing!! I'm a little concerned about the repercussions there if I am in fact pregnant. But I mean I can't make decisions based on what ifs. I've been trying to get pg for over 3 years. I mean if I turned down everything because I might get pg it would have been a strange 3 years!

So I'm excited about the job. I'm having a little trouble with the new puppy, she is deathly afraid of other dogs, so I have her enrolled in some private training sessions, so that will keep me busy.

So I am just trying to keep busy and wait it out until my beta on Thursday. I am going insane though. I'm glad it's Friday, as I know the weekend will fly by and Mondays are usually busy and next thing I know it will be Tuesday.

I feel nothing. I have no idea if I am pg or not. I'd like to say I have some intuition but not really. Although cold corn in the fridge last night nearly made me throw up! So maybe that's a good sign.

5DP3DT...

2008-09-09T09:15:00.002-04:00

Only 10 days until my beta. It is creeping along. I'm not analyzing any symptoms, I know the prog suppositories, give the same side effects.

I hope I can keep distracted long enough not to go insane waiting.

1DP3DT...

2008-09-05T14:09:00.002-04:00

That is today, I had my 3 day transfer yesterday. I have my beta on the 19th. It's been a while since a post from me, I have just been trying to get through life revolving around IVF. I go back to work on Monday, so I feel I need to get back at normal life.

So the details of this cycle. Obviously I had my retrieval on Monday, which went fairly well all things considered. I was awake, but fairly groggy and disengaged through it all. I felt no needles, but did feel the follicles being punctured which resulted in a very moderate pain, nothing I couldn't handle. The whole thing only took about 15 minutes, so they tell me. It felt like 5 minutes to me, I must have been in and out of sleep, due to the drugs. They got 12 eggs, that looked pretty good! I was seriously psyched at that point. They even showed us one of my eggs under a microscope on the screen. It was very exciting!!

I have to say here the clinic was fabulous on the day of retrieval. I couldn't have asked for better care, I was the only retrieval that day and the nurse that was assigned to me was incredibly awesome and made for a really good experience all things considered.

I recovered in my room for a couple hours, and during this time Clark did his thing. We waited until we had the all clear on the sperm sample (meaning there was enough and they were swimming). Then we headed home. The next couple days were a little rough, not a lot of pain, but serious bloating and my digestive system was majorly off.

I took it easy for those couple days, I was at risk for some moderate to serious OHSS, since my e2 was over 9000, 2 days before retrieval. But I poured the fluids down me and just rested and rested. And I was feeling pretty good by yesterday, transfer day.

The fertilization report on Wednesday was great, we had 9 of the 12 fertilize, although one was lagging behind the rest, we still had 8 that looked decent at that point. I was more that majorly psyched at that news!

When we arrived for the transfer, the news was not as good. Only 3 of our little embies has graduated to past 6 cells, which is where they have to be for freezing and transfer. So the 2 best which were 9 cellers, and grade C were transferred back to me. The transfer process was pretty painless compared to retrieval. Not much more that an iui, only a little longer. They checked the tube under the microscope to make sure they were back in me, and I was allowed to go home.

The grade C's were very disappointing to me. I was hoping for some stellar embies after all my hard work and especially after having 12 to start. But they told me not to get too wrapped up in the grades and that they have seen many pg's result from c's. So I guess it is what it is. I knew it was too good to be true, I usually am an under achiever!!! But at the very least this cycle was a winner compared to the last!!

So when we left yesterday, we had one 8 celler, that could be frozen, a 5 cell that they were hoping would catch up and the rest would be cultured to see if they reached blastocyst stage to be frozen. They will send us a detailed report next week outlining how many were frozen and at what stage. So we'll see. I would hope I could do at least one frozen cycle with a couple embies. They gave me a picture of the 2 they transferred back, they were so cute!!! Like little bubbles!!

So now we wait. The hardest part for me. The next 2 weeks are going to be tough. So please pray for the little bubbles!

An Even Dozen!

2008-08-25T12:28:00.003-04:00

Well, I had my first follie check yesterday and the news was very encouraging. I had 12 nice follies, 7 on one side and 5 on the other. All measuring about the same at around 1.1!!

Woo-hoo, this is the most encouraging news we have had on the IF front in ages. My e2 looked good and the doc even called it an excellent stim cycle. He said I am right where they want me to be at this point.

So relieved!!! I go back for another look tomorrow and start my antagonist shot tonight. So if all continues to go well we could be looking at a labour day weekend ER!!!!

I am stressing about a few of the details but trying really hard to put it all out of my mind and trust that it will all happen the way it should, as I know at this point it is all out of my hands. The majority of this outcome is up to the RE and science and the rest is up to God.

I am feeling a lot bloated and really tired. But I am assuming this is all normal at this point!!

Please continue to pray that this cycle finishes out well, we get a good lot of embryos from it and this is our miracle answer!!

IVF #1, Take 2 - ACTION!!!

2008-08-22T10:51:00.002-04:00

Well, I got the go ahead on take 2. We started injections on Tuesday. 450 iu of Men0pur each time. Pretty much a pro at the mixing and injecting now. Had b/w this a.m., so we'll keep our fingers crossed that everything will work out this time.

Had no suppression at all, not even est.race. So maybe this will help develop those follies and keep them on track.

Life is as busy as ever, just holding out hope I at least make it to egg retrieval this time.

Making a little noise...

2008-08-07T10:57:00.002-04:00

I have been away for far too long!! I have nothing really new or exciting to say, but I thought I would make a little noise so that you all know that I am still here!!!

My vacation was fantastic!! Every bit the recharging that I needed. I am looking forward now to getting back on the cycling wagon! I'm starting IVF #1 take 2, as soon as I get my period would should be somewhere around the 21st.

I'm getting anxious to get started now that I have had some time off. I have a bit of hope restored in me.

I have been lurking around the web keeping up to date on all my blog girlfriends, just haven't had a lot to say.

Burnt Out...

2008-07-14T10:25:00.002-04:00

I am feeling very ready for a vacation!! Which I have coming in 2 weeks!! YEEAAAHH!! We moved Clark's grandma on Friday and Saturday and we are exhausted!!!

I have made firm plans to start out next IVF on my August cycle which should start (cd1) around mid August if my body stays on it's current schedule. I decided it was time to take a month off. Since they are not suppressing me at all prior to IVF start, it's almost like an iui cycle in that, I just start shots on day 3 and continue until retrieval. So I am living it up for July!!

We went to a concert last Sunday. We are heading to the cottage we rent every year a week from Saturday. I need a vacation. I am so tired and mentally and emotionally drained. So I am looking forward to living life normally for the next month!!

Other than that life is steaming ahead at an alarming rate, I can't believe that it's already mid-July!! My fur girls are as cute and funny as every. God, do they make me laugh.

So bottom line is IVF #1 take 2, is postponed until August at my choice.

I make plans and God laughs...

2008-06-28T13:23:00.002-04:00

My cycle was cancelled yesterday. I cannot tell you how utterly and totally disappointed I am. I am having a really hard time functioning today, I came home from work early yesterday. I might take Monday off.

My estra.diol was too low. It actually dropped. I can't believe it. At my scan yesterday morning there were 8 decent follies or so they thought. But they tell me with a drop in e2 that could indicate empty follies and they would hate for me to get all the way to retrieval and find we have no eggs!!! I guess I am glad that it got cancelled fairly early on. We get back 80% of our money at least.

I am really actually feeling quite angry. I know this is normal, I just feel like I can't catch a freakin' break no matter what I do. I have the everything is against me feelings right now. I'm just bummed out totally. I know there will be another cycle, it's just I had everything in place for this happen NOW!!!

The clinic says I can start my next ivf cycle as soon as I get my period which should follow it's normal cycle, so in 2-3 weeks, I guess.

I just can't believe this shit keeps happening to me. In better news Clark got a permanent position!!! Finally, so no more worrying about contracts every year!! However, the same day he found out, his car blew up!! So we are shopping for a new vehicle over the summer.

I'm going to try to scrape through the rest of the weekend, I'm going to have a drink tonight! Screw it!

A Work In Progress...

2008-06-24T11:31:00.003-04:00

Well, I got 2 injections under my belt so far. They went pretty smoothly. I went for a u/s and b/w on Sunday. All appeared well. Started injections that night and go back for just blood on Wednesday a.m.

It all feels a little unreal still. Sort of like this is a dream or I'm reading about someone else's life. I have done a lot of baby day-dreaming these past few days. Will this really be it, will this really be the thing that does it for us. Will we finally be a family? Can I hope this much?

I can and I will. I have to admit to myself, I have all my hopes and dreams pinned on this ivf. I really don't see it not working. I just won't accept that. I just won't.

Estimated retrieval date is a week from Saturday. The 5th. We'll see how I follow their plan (or not!).

Let's Get Rolling...

2008-06-20T16:46:00.002-04:00

With the IVF that is. That's right cd1 today! I just excited to get this cycle started. I had some spotting this morning and wasn't sure if i should call this day one, but it's heavy bright spotting now, so I'm calling in my day 1 to the clinic as soon as I get home from work.

I need to check my instructions at home to see if I need to go day 2 or 3 for the baseline b/w! Although I know they will call me to confirm!

So we're off and rolling, I guess that means I start injections on Sunday!! I never thought I would be so excited to just get started!

Please wish me luck and keep us in you thoughts and prayers as this cycle progresses! I know this is going to be our answer. I just know it.

Patiently Waiting...

2008-06-18T11:32:00.003-04:00

Ok, maybe not so patiently, but waiting nonetheless! I have thought my period would show herself by now. But nowhere in sight! CD 24 today.m But the later the better for my week off following retrieval and transfer. The later into July really the better for my work schedule.

So I believe everything will happen as it should. I have to.

So my fears right now surrounding this impending cycle include worry about mixing the meno.pur correctly. It doesn't seem hard, but a little odd. I will be weird to inject this powdery mixture, I'm curious to see how it looks after mixing? I know once I do a few I'll be ok with it, I was worried about the pen injections as first too and I managed fine with them. And remembering all the right meds to take at the right time. I wondered if they keep me on the estr.ace as well or I stop that when injections start. We'll see.

My biggest fear of course is my failure to respond. Followed by the actual process of the the egg retrieval itself. My clinic does not give you anesthetic for the procedure, just some mild sedative and pain meds and of course local freezing. I asked if I would remember it and they said yes. I am very scared about the physical discomforts of this. I hope I don't freak out. I guess you have to keep your eye on the prize.

The whole thing seems a little daunting right now, but like the iuis I'm sure when I get full swing into the process, it'll all come together for me. I'm very unfocused right now, thankfully work has slowed down and I have some time to peruse my thoughts.

I'm scared, but I'm so excited at the same time. I just can't believe I am doing this, I never, ever thought I would be writing about my own ivf experience. So surreal. But I am so hopeful and full of anticipation for what is to come.

This and That...

2008-06-16T15:58:00.002-04:00

So I am waiting for my period. CD 22 today and could be anywhere in the next week. My cycles are notoriously short after a failed iui. So I am actually expecting it in the next few days. Which, by the way, will be a blessing, as I am just ready to get this first ivf cycle started already!!

At first I was dragging my feet, but now I have made the decision and I'm ready! I just want to get on with it. I am so impatient, you would think, if anything this infertility journey would teach me some patience. I'm getting better, I realize I don't have a lot of control, so we wait.

I have such mixed emotions about everything right now. Could be the est.race I started on Saturday. Or could be this feels just like such a gigantic step. Hopefully the next gigantic step in getting me the babies that I want.

It's sort of scary of course, the unknown always is. It's kind of exciting because I keep thinking, maybe this will be the thing that WORKS! Maybe this will be IT!!! And it's kind of sobering, because - what if it's not? It kind of makes me anxious about all that we will learn about my eggs and the embryos we make etc. It also kind of makes me hopeful, which in turn is scary. So I guess we have come full circle. I'm everywhere and nowhere all at once! I pray. I pray. I pray. I pray. I could just type that over and over again. But then you would stop reading this, wouldn't you?

I am just trying to focus on each day as they come. The weekend was enjoyable! See below for new pics of my puppies. They make me smile so many times in a day. I am so grateful for the joy and companionship they bring to my life. I have been out walking a lot more because they enjoy it so much, and that is so good for me, because I need the exercise. I did some gardening and entertaining on the weekend and just tried to kick back as much as possible and appreciate and enjoy my surroundings.

A little word on the permanent job front for Clark. Don't want to say too much yet, but we're keeping our fingers crossed. Especially in light of the recent ivf expenses, which I paid on Friday. YIKES! And the fact that our second car is about to crap out!! It's all doable, just not ideal, but then as I have learned, what is the definition of ideal??

In more mixed emotional news, my co-worker shared with me that she is pg! I am happy for her and please note she did not get pg in 2 months they have been trying for a while, this is her 2nd. But still the news was somehow hard for me to hear, of course I said all the appropriate things and didn't melt down in the privacy of my office or anything, but it stung a little I guess, does that ever go away? I don't like that feeling.

Why does it feel like starting over?

2008-06-05T17:34:00.002-04:00

We took the plunge!! I paid the $500 (non-refundable) deposit for our IVF. I picked up the nearly $3000 worth of drugs prescribed for me. HOLY SH*T! Thank god for our drug plan which covered every last penny!!! I have never left a pharmacy with 2 shopping bags of drugs. This experience get more and more surreal by the moment.

I'm happy to be moving onto the next step. I hope this is the step that works. All of you girls who commented on my last post and have been with me through most of this journey (special thanks Chas and Kirsten!) made me feel like I can do this. Your success stories only give me hope. I hope this works for us too!

We had our consult yesterday to determine the course of treatment and make some preliminary decisions (which I know could change throughout the process, depending on me and how I respond) but we have a tentative plan in place. The RE's feeling after watching me through 4 iuis is that our main problem is an ovulation one. The PCOS etc, just seems to keep me from ovulating and they feel I didn't respond terribly well to the pure.gon and seemed to indicate that 100iu is a high dose and I still only had 2 follies and pretty low E2. So they are doing a slightly different course of treatment. They are not suppressing me. I now that's weird, I have never talked to anyone that wasn't suppressed. But that's what they feel will be best for me. They are afraid I won't 'turn back on'. So I start Estr.ace on day 20 and call with the first day of next period. From there I have a baseline u/s and bloodwork. Start 225 iu injections of Meno.pur and then add in some orgalu.tran when they tell me. We decided against doing ICSI this time. Clark's counts have been decent and the clinic felt he has had more than enough sperm to fertilize even 15 eggs (which is probably more than most people have) and his motility and morph are perfect.

I know we will learn alot about our problems this cycle. I'm deathly afraid it's a fertilization issue or a chromosomal problem. But they keep telling me the 2 m/c have just been bad luck, they have no medical reasons for them. I'm also deathly afraid of having no or very few follies. Of course, ideally we would have some embryos left over to freeze for either a 2nd attempt if this is not successful or for baby #2 (or 3?). But at this point I am just trying to keep things in perspective and take it one step at a time.

I am also terrified of the retrieval. I don't think I am a big wimp, but the thought of that procedure scares the crap out of me (any advice welcome here). The other thing that surprised me was the mixing of the injections, who knew I would have powder and liquid and have to mix this stuff up? Interesting.

So for now I am trying to wrap my head around it all and keep my eye on the prize. I am still working through a few feelings of bitterness, I'm feeling a little sad that it has come to this but at the same time excited to move onto the next big step. I'm a roller coaster right now!!! The money end of things is a bit daunting to say the least and there is a little fear that this is kind of our last hope, we will attempt more than one ivf, but I mean I just hope ivf is the answer to our prayers.

So for now one day at a time.

I hate being right...

2008-05-26T14:43:00.002-04:00

Got the first signs of my period this morning. Beta is actually on Wednesday, but I have some pretty bright red tinges and still a negative pee-stick. So it's over for this cycle.

Clark and I had a pretty good talk last night. I am just realizing that he is going through this emotional process so much slower than I did. I think it hit him for the first time last night that we really could not be able to have kids. I think he has been feeling all along that there has got to be an answer or a remedy. I think he came to the sad realization that there sometimes isn't an answer for these things.

He is going through the anger and denial phase right now. He keeps asking me isn't there something more we can do or another thing that the docs can test us for. We talked about the ivf, we're ready to do it. We don't really have the money but we can get it, we agreed we would do one cycle and see how that ended up for us. There is no way of knowing what the next step after that will be, will we have any frozen embies or will it work the first time or will it be a complete bust! So we're just going to go at it one step at a time.

My feeling right now is to wait until the summer is over. We have some plans and I want a semblance of a normal life for a few months, plus summer is so super busy for me at work that I would better be able to have some time off in September. But then part of me is saying just do it and get it over with!!!

I need some insight from those of you who have been through ivf, how much disruption to m,y life can I expect. Is is similar to iui, with u/s monitoring and b/w. Do I need to be off work during the time between the ER and the transfer? What part of your cycle is the ER, is it around the middle like ovulation? I feel stupid, I know all the ins and outs of iui and have no clue about the ivf thing. How will the drugs affect me? I need some answers before I can figure out a time frame.

But moving forward. In better news Clark has a job interview tonight, so hopefully he will find something permanent and get off the contract roller coaster.

Hope went down the drain...

2008-05-23T15:07:00.004-04:00

OK, I did a test this morning and yes, it's only 13dpIUI, but what the heck, can you honestly tell me that I could get a negative today and a positive on Sunday (when it's technically legal to test). I don't think so, I mean really prove me wrong.

So it was of course negative. This is where I start feeling like I am beating my head against a brick wall. 4 iuis since September, 3 of them basically back to back. What the heck does it take me to conceive a baby already!!!

Clark is convinced I am giving up too early. That I just tested too early and he adamantly believes I am pg. I don't know how to let him down easy, so I will just keep it to myself until Sunday and show him the negative test.

It's so frustrating!! I want to scream. I also want to jump head first into plan b, which in our case looks like it's going to be ivf. I feel like the more negatives I see, the more determined I am to make this work, dammit, I know I can have a baby! I am already formulating an ivf plan in my head. I don't want to, it's just where I naturally go. This has been a long hard journey and I just want it to end. I prayed I was pg with twins and then I could have the 2 kids I always wanted and never have to fear not getting pg again. It's all so stupid, I'm wishing my life away. I think we'll try a couple of ivfs and then by the end of 2008, it's move on time. I need to give up on the fantasy.

So discouraged. It seems life in general is just getting both of us down right now. Tired of being kicked while I'm down.

The dreaded 2ww...

2008-05-14T16:13:00.002-04:00

I'm in it full swing. IUI#4 went off on Saturday without much of a hitch. Clark's count was decent and things went pretty much according to plan. The nurse felt with my estradiol at only 1500 2 days before, we were only looking at ovulating one egg. One is good, one is fine, one is all it takes.

I have to say I am frighteningly hopeful this month. This is our last try at iuis so maybe I just 'really' want this one to work. But I feel like this could actually work this time. I have been really really tired since Monday and I know I can never tell what are real symptoms and what are just side effects of the progesterone, but I'd like to think being tired is a good sign.

My 2 doggies are doing really well, we started our first puppy obedience with the younger one and I have to say they just add to our lives, they make me laugh and remind me there is some joy in my life, when I really want to melt down and pull my hair out!

So for the moment, I am really trying to be patient and hang in there, although it's hard, at least spring is in the air and I can work on my gardens etc.

I hate being hopeful and I hate being doom and gloom. So where does that leave me?

More Surprises...

2008-05-05T16:38:00.005-04:00

Well, my body never does what I expect it will. My period showed up incredibly early again. So I am full swing into iui #4. I can't believe how quickly the time passes when cycling. I went for my first measuring u/s today and have 4 follies. 2 at 1.1 and a 1.2 and a 1.3. I think the 1.1s are probably too small to amount ot anythign but having 2 would be fabulous!!

God, I hope this one works. I really just want to get on with it!!

Happy birthday to me tomorrow.

And for your viewing enjoyment (my girls):

On to IUI #4...

2008-04-23T14:25:00.002-04:00

Well, I am just living life, anticipating the start of iui #4. This will be our last iui attempt before moving onto ivf.

I should expect my period, I think around May 4th, so then will begin my next cycle. Just in time for my 32nd birthday, I really can't believe a-that I am going to be 32? How did I get to be this old, I swear to you I was 21 only yesterday? And b-that I am still doing this baby thing. I laugh to think when I started trying just after my 29th birthday, that not only did I firmly believe I would be pg in the first couple months, I thought I would be holding a baby in my 30th year. And yet here I am still wondering if that will ever happen, let alone when.

The imminent approach of my birthday also gives me cause to reflect on how my feelings and sense of desperation about parenthood have changed in the last 2 and a half years. I actually find myself wondering if maybe I would be better off without kids, then I catch myself thinking this and feel guilty that I am somehow wishing myself not pregnant.

But as I enjoy my time to myself and with my puppies and Clark, I wonder maybe if the grass does always seem greener on the other side of the fence. Maybe I will never know what I missed. Maybe I will be ok after all if kids never happen for us. Maybe I will forever enjoy sleeping until 10 on a Saturday. Maybe I have finally lost the last shred of sanity I have.

I really enjoy the months off cycling when I don't have to think about the baby thing and I just live this life that is before me. I drink what I want and I have coffee and just live recklessly. Maybe this is it for me. And I'm happy, I have put a lot of work into creating the life that I wanted and I always thought that that life would include kids, but that is just not panning out for me. There is a pang of sorrow when I see my friends with there kids. Am I talking myself into stopping before ivf?

I'm all over the place. I have to stop thinking so far in advance and just get through the next iui.

BFN...Again...

2008-04-08T09:58:00.006-04:00

Well, the iui was again unsuccessful. Man, this is so frustrating. The sad part is, for me, at least, it seems to get easier with each bfn. It's as though, the dream is very distant now, not like it was in the beginning, where, I just thought it will happen. Now, I'm not so sure. So needless to say it has been a freakin' rough week, between the funeral and the bfn and everything, I'm feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed.

On the infertility front, the RE, I think is going ot let us do one more iui. He really only wanted to do three and we have done three, but #1 was partly successful, at least I did get pregnant. Anyway, with all my history and the improvement in Clark's count, we are going to try one more.

Here in Canada most of the stuff for the iui is covered, I have drug coverage through Clark's work, so all in all, an iui only costs us about $200 out of pocket. And I am sooo grateful for that. I know so many people that aren't as lucky as us, especially all my girls in the U.S. One cycle of ivf would probably cost $4500-5000, for us, and believe me, I also know that is cheap compared to what some people have to pay. So don't get me wrong I am not whining, I am just trying to be realistic about our financial goals vs. our fertility goals. I hate to have to balance the 2 things, but let's face it, that's a reality for those of us facing infertility treatments, where do you draw the line. And as I have tried to explain to me fertile IRL friends who have never had to face this dilemma, if you told me I could pay $5000 and walk out of the hospital in 9 months with a real live baby, you wouldn't be able to see me for dust on my way to the RE clinic. BUT, and there is a very big BUT, what if we end up doing 2 or 3 or 5 ivf cycles? Then we're 10, or 20, or 25000 in the hole and what if we do all that and still don't get a baby out of it. That's where I am in my head.

All that being said, I will give ivf a shot and probably more than one. We are also blessed in the fact that we can afford to do a couple cycles of ivf. I mean, we don't have 10 grand sitting around in a cookie jar anywhere, but we do have the means (and by means, I mean credit) to be able to access that money. We have little debt, a house with some equity and a generous line of credit. So it's possible. I just don't want to re-mortgage my house and then wind up childless in the end anyway. Are these crazy thoughts? Do other people think this way?

So, trying not to put the cart before the horse. We are going to give one more try to the iui and then we'll take it from there.

In upbeat news, here are some pics of my babies:

Quick Update...

2008-03-31T10:22:00.003-04:00

I have been so busy, I was off for a week, and have not gotten in front if the computer much. Hope all is going well with all of you!

Good news and bad news. We had a death in the family, Clark's Grandpa, he's been sick, but it is very sad, we are all going to miss him so much. He was such a kind and giving man. I am dreading the funeral.

Plus we got the puppy!! She is a sweetie. I promise to post pics this week.

We had the iui on the 18th and just awaiting results. I can test on Wednesday. This time I was so busy the 2ww flew by!! Clark had the best count ever!!! 28 million washed. I was so proud of him. (and I am not testing early!!!)

And happy blogaversary to me!!! 2 years I have been blogging, seems unreal.

More when I have more time.

And on it goes...

2008-03-10T11:11:00.003-04:00

So I'm 4 shots into this 3rd iui cycle. I'm really glad I made the decision not to talk about it in RL. It seems to slow time down, when you are talking and thinking about it all the time.

I'm off to the city tomorrow for cd8 b/w. Then I will start hearing about when I need to come in for u/s. It's going along fine.

No news on the furbaby yet. I'm getting really anxious to see her!! We are supposed to choose which girl we want from pictures this week, so I'm getting very impatient to get pictures. Only 2 weeks until we go get her, yeah!!

*Addition* To answer Mel's question, I'm on the same protocol as last cycle we did. 75iu injection of Pure*gon every evening at 5pm, beginning cd3, b/w and u/s monitoring until follies are ready and then trigger with ovid*rel (usually cd 14-16), plus regular pure*gon, day off and then iui. I am also on 850mg of met 2x a day, and of course a pre*natal. I will start one low dose as*pirin a day , plus prog. suppositories the day of the iui.

Just Do IT...

2008-03-06T10:09:00.002-05:00

Well Tuesday ended up being cd1, very obviously by the afternoon. So I did it. I called my clinic, everything was set to start when I wanted to anyway, so off I went yesterday to fill my script. Went to the city this am for cd3 blood and start injections tonight if my baselines are A-OK.

Why not. I'm taking it as a sign that I shouldn't let this month go by. This is the first time I have been able to do an iui, month off and another right away, so maybe it will be good.

Who knows. But I decided since this was sort of unplanned anyway, I'm not telling anyone, other than Clark of course. I don't really want all the questions and then my mom wants to go with me for blood, and I don't want to her to have to feel like she has to do that. It will only be 12 or so days and and the iui will be done and on with it. So I don't want to talk about it in RL.

I can come here at my discretion without having to give a cycle update on demand, if I want to talk.

Puppy is looking like it will be coming home Easter weekend. We should get pics of the girls in a few days to pick which one we want!! I am sooooo excited!!!

Second Guessing...

2008-03-04T10:03:00.002-05:00

Ok, I'm spotting. Which could only be a precursor to my period. A full 4-5 days before I expected it. I don't ever spot for long, so that likely means it will be full force by tonight. What does this mean and why does this make me stop and ponder my previous decisions, you ask? Ok, well you didn't exactly ask, but what the hell, it's my blog, so I'm gonna tell you anyway. Well, what it means is that I could do a March cycle, because that would mean the iui would be all done and over by Easter, instead of landing right smack in the middle of my planned road trip. And as much as I am enjoying the break, I'd also like to get on with it. Ya know. Yeah, I know, you all know.

So, I guess I will see if today or tomorrow ends up being day 1. But I mean if I can squeeze a cycle in, then why not. Once again, it'll be a wait and see.

So the puppy pics are really funny, huh? I loved that Chas' comment said she had no idea what they were. They are funny looking at that age, one of my RL friends said they look like mini cows!!

No new pics yet, and believe me I am anxiously waiting. For a lot of things.

Where I am...

2008-02-28T10:02:00.002-05:00

Well, I decided not to do a March cycle. I decided to go away for Easter. I decided my next iui will be in April.

The renos are very nearing completion. Paint is done. Flooring needs to be finished off, and trim needs to go up and then I can move the furniture in. I'm very excited we're getting this close. Mind you we are broke, but what the heck.

With Clark off for our spring break next month, I'm really hoping there will be a lot of progress.

And to leave you all something to ooohhhh over, the long awaited puppy pics. These are the first (and only, as yet) pics I have received and I don't know which one will be ours yet, bit the litter is about 2 days old here. I know they are too darn cute!!! I can't wait!

Well...

2008-02-27T16:35:00.002-05:00

I've been kind of a delinquent blogger. Basically, I don't have anything profound to say these days.

Life is plodding along, it amazes me how much less anxiety and turmoil I feel when I'm not doing a medicated cycle. The thought of getting pg is not on the radar and life continues on down it's path.

Peace, I feel a little peace. Oh, don't get me wrong, I know it's fleeting. I know around the corner there's an early morning vomit, or a late period or a follie count that will throw me into a tailspin. I've been around the block enough to know this and still enjoy the fleeting moments of peace I have right now. Without all the see-sawing between hope and despair, there's peace, there's a little peace. It seems as though I haven't felt this in years.

Just living my life, I don't even know what cycle day it is today without counting, or looking at a calendar. Oh, but now that I've had that thought, I think I'll go count.

I wish you all peace, if only for a moment.

CD3...

2008-02-11T10:24:00.000-05:00

Well, as expected, my beta was (-) on Sunday. I already knew as the evidence arrived on Saturday afternoon.

So a month off and then a try for March possibly, only problem is I am away for Easter and it will probably be iui time right around there, so I may skip and do April. Or maybe we'll change the Easter plans, we were expecting to be out of the country. We'll see.

No more puppy news as yet, got some pics I'll post later in the week.

Renos are coming along fantastically! I hired someone to finish the drywall and it will be done and ready for paint tomorrow. Can't wait to get that finished and then re-paint the rest of the mainfloor.

I need something to focus on right now, that's for sure. I am so glad we decided to get this puppy, it fills my heart with something new and beautiful right now and I really need that.

I am doing ok with the news of the bfn. I am not 'devastated' I know there is hope for other months. I am just very disappointed. I keep hoping that this is going to work at some point. I know focussing on the positive is the right thing to do right now.

And what I can say about that is this: We have tons of possiblilities, we know we can get pg, we know that the sperm count was pretty good (7.2 mil- washed, best yet) this cycle, we know I produced 2 nice follies, we know that other than the pc.os, there is nothing majorly wrong with either of us. The RE is optimistic another iui will work for us. They are not saying getting pg is impossible or even unlikely, just more difficult than is for some, we just need to keep playing the odds. They are not saying I can't carry to term. They are saying my 2 m/c seem like crappy luck and no medical reason has come to light as yet.

I am really just trying to focus. On the positive. On today, without looking too far into what the future holds for us. On what I have that I love and enjoy right now in my life. On living for the moment. On living the life I have and not the one I yearn for.

Everything we wait for happens at once...

2008-02-08T11:37:00.000-05:00

Well at 15dpIUI it was a BFN. So I think the game is up. B/w on Sunday to confirm. Not surprised. I kind of know now how I feel when I am pg and didn't feel any of that, actually feel completely normal.

I'm sad. It seems like a lot of work for a big fat negative. I haven't had this experience yet, of a bfn on an iui cycle. The world is just full of new experiences. But I know I can get pg, so I guess we try again. I think I was really afraid of a positive. I just couldn't have done the m/c thing again. So I would rather a bfn, then get to pg and lose it.

So, I will speak to the clinic on Sunday when they do my b/w and find out when I can do the next cycle. I am pretty sure that they make you wait a month in between. So it will be at least March. Not really looking forward to another medicated and monitored cycle, but I have to keep trying.

In good news, puppies are here, yup, they were born on Tuesday, a litter of 5 that incudes 3 girls, so it looks like we're getting our little girl!!! Probably sometime around Easter. I am very excited!!!

Do I believe that everything happens for a reason. I guess I have to. There must be a plan for all of us. Thanks for all of your well wishes. It would seem my baby dreams will be on hold a little while longer. I never realized it would get easier with each bfn. I am starting to believe I am chasing a dream, I am not intended to fulfill. But I am not quite ready to give up the chase just yet.

12dpIUI...

2008-02-04T10:12:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure what to think at this stage of the game. I feel nothing. Nothing to indicate a BFP, nothing to indicate my period is on the way, nothing. It's CD28, which means my period should arrive on Thursday or so. Thursday is also legal testing day.

I was good over the weekend and resisted peeing on any sticks. I may tomorrow morning. The suspense is killing me. And I feel nothing, did I mention that? Maybe my body is just so used to all the hormones etc., it feels normal to me now.

Anyway, it was a pretty good weekend, Clark got all the drywall up in our new room. So now mudding, taping and painting can commence, yeah!!!

No word on the birth of the puppies yet, she's due on Friday, so I'm expecting to hear some news soon. Can't wait. We are still really stuck for a name. Clark and I can't agree. Maybe I'll post a poll when we find out for sure if we are getting a girl.

Super.bowl was fun, didn't watch the game but hung out with all my girlfriends and their kids while the men watched the game. I hate football! Sorry. Actually I hate sports. But the food and the company was good!!!

Well, that's it for now, still creeping through my anxiety waiting for Thurday to arrive so I can officially know if the roller coaster begins again now or in a month when I start iui#3!!! I kind of hope the roller coaster of pg#3 begins immediately, although that would scare the pants off me! Either way, 3 times must be the key!!! Wish me luck!!

9 dpIUI...

2008-02-01T16:03:00.000-05:00

OK, I admit, I wasn't going to tell you all, but I broke down and tested today. I know it's too freakin' early, please don't yell at me!! I saw the pretty, shiny peestick in the drawer this morning and I just couldn't resist.

It was of course negative. Not that I really expected a positive at this stage in the game, but what the hell peeing on something made me feel like I was doing something instead of just sitting around here waiting. I also know that at 9dpiui, it wouldn't have mattered what the pee stick said, I wouldn't have believed it. If it had been positive, I would have just thought the trigger hadn't cleared my system, but since it's negative, I think it's too early. It did however confirm to me that the trigger shot clears far faster than my RE's office would lead one to believe.

I really should have just waited, because now I am kind of doubting if it will be a bfp. I feel really nothing, not that what I feel matters since we all know our friend prog.ester*ne fucks with us during this 2ww anyway. I have some twingy cramps, I'm kind of tired, but not overly, not like I remember being right before I found out I was pg. I don't feel sick, I'm really hungry, my boobs don't hurt. I don't know what to make of all of it.

As you may be able to tell I was fairly calm up until today, caosting throught the first half of the 2ww like a veteran. Sometime last night I started over the edge into the insanity of the 2ww. Somehow I got caught up in it. And now I'm pretty much freakin' out. I just want to know. One way or another. I HATE THIS WAITING!! That was me screaming, since I'm at my desk in an office full of people and can't really do it!

I'm glad the weekend is starting and I'll ahve 2 more days under my belt, when I return to work on Monday. God knows I will probably test again on Monday, that would be 11dpiui. Legally I can test on Thursday and that seems like forever away!!!

Please grant me patience!!!

6dpIUI...

2008-01-29T09:29:00.000-05:00

I really am going to drive myself crazy with the countdown. Not really much to report that's happening. Just trying to keep myself focused and distracted. Luckily work is busy, so that's a good thing.

Usual Prog.esterone symptoms, a little edgy, tired, kind of crampy. Nothing I haven't felt before. I'm still in the back and forth between hope and reality. I hope this works, but really what are the odds of 2 iuis in a row resulting in pg. I can't wait until I get to test. Still a week from Thursday, but I'm hoping it goes by fast.

Anyway, still plodding along on my renos, I feel like there is no end in sight there. But I know it will be all worth it when it's done.

I switched to half decaf, you guys made me feel too guilty. The docs here say a cup a day or a couple of sodas is ok, just nothing extreme. But here in the North country it has been all over the new about how caffeine doubles the m/c rate. Never drank any caffeine with my first 2 pgs and lost both of them! Still, you're all right, it is better to be safe that sorry.

2dpIUI...

2008-01-25T12:56:00.000-05:00

Well the iui went off without much of a hitch. My cervix was playing hide & seek. So it took a few tries, but they got it. Clark's count was at an all time high of 7.2 million (washed)!! So that's good!

In other positive news, I tested negative for any blood clotting disorders. They put me on a l*w do.se as.pirin as a precaution, but everything looked relatively normal.

So, I'm on the countdown. I ended up taking the day of and day after the iui off, for no other reason than I could. I was a bit tired and did some housework and rested the rest of the day.

I already an feeling guilty about anything I am consuming. Today I had one coffee and a sub with lunch meat. God, I have to stop over analyzing this crap. What's everyone's take on the new uproar over caffeine? I'm still drinking my one cup in the morning!

Strange thoughts...

2008-01-21T16:57:00.000-05:00

Ok, the big news is that iui#2 is happening on Wednesday, Woo-hoo! Can't wait for that part to be over. Last shots tonight and then, a day off tomorrow and then d-day.

Secondly, I had 2 follies on the right, 1.8cm and 2.0 cm. I think 2 is OK, I would have liked to see 3 or 4, but I guess it lowers the risk of multiples. I have no idea if those are good sizes, I think they are based on what I remember reading on other blogs. I started thinking about this, seems like they are huge to me? I know some docs measure them in mm, so that would be 18mm and 20mm. This again seems gi-normous, does it not? I think these are average sized follies based on my research, but I looked at a ruler and it seems big. I know they burst out of the follie, but still, anyone ever given this any thought? No wonder my ovaries feel as though they are are going to explode. This morning LH was 5 and e2 was 1100 and change. Again, don't know if this is good or bad, but the nurse seemed to think it was fine. Triggering at 10pm.

Turkey baster at 10am Wednesday and then we wait. And wait, and wait some more. If I'm lucky we will see a heartbeat sometime in March. If not we'll give another go 'round. I'm dreading another m/c. I am scared it won't work and I'll have to face a bfn. I am bracing myself for the worst. I am hoping and praying for the best. What else can I do?

I got pics from the breeder of the mom and dad of my new pup! So cute! I will probably end up with 2 dogs and twins or something!!! I will be absolutely fine with that. I will love it. I am hoping that happens!!!

Gratefulness...

2008-01-18T15:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I got from the few comments about my last post, that perhaps, I was over reacting and maybe Clark not dropping everything to drive to the city with me on the weekend, is no biggy? So I started reminding myself of all that I am grateful for and thought I would write a post about all that I am grateful for. I used to do that somewhat regularly and think it is important to remind ourselves of all that we are truly blessed with.

My Grateful List for today, things I love about my life right now:
1. Wonderfully supportive friends and family
2. A fantastic hubby, with whom I still have a strong and wonderful relationship with
3. A job, that I love and fulfills me and offers me flexibility to pursue my dreams
4. A boss that is both my friend and colleague and is uniquely concerned with overall well being
5. Financial stability that affords me many luxuries
6. A house that I love that I can afford in a neighbourhood that is close to my friends and family and our jobs
7. My awesome new car (first one ever-did i post about this)? Which I love to drive
8. My fur-baby, sweet and even tempered, and a little crazy!
9. My extensive spiritual awakening and recent spiritual growth
10.The opportunity and choices I have been blessed with in my life
11. The deep knowledge that I have of who I am
12. That I like the person I am growing into
13. That I am learning to give more of myself to others
14. My awareness that I am not always right
15. The knowledge that no situation is ever as good or as bad as it seems in the moment
16. My mom
17. My best friend
18. That I am learning from my past mistakes and trying everyday to be a better person
19. The journey that I am on
20. The potential new puppy that is due to be born in February!

This was really more for me! A necessary reminder.

Where things stand...

2008-01-16T10:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm full swing into iui#2. Making the trek a couple times a week into the city for b/w. My first u/s to check follie development is likely on Saturday. The injections as usual are going along fine. The blood draws are killer. They have a hard time finding my veins, it took three pokes yesterday, but they got it. Thankfully, I never was squeamish about needles, this is serving me well now.

I am starting to feel a bit of a toll on my body. Not sure if it is the meds or the getting up early and driving 2 hours before work that I am not used to. But I'm wiped.

I'm really trying to blow this whole thing off as normal and not really a disruption to my life. Clark has another commitment on Saturday, so he won't be joining me for the drive to my u/s. I'm a little disappointed. I totally get that he can't do it during the week. I don't want him to miss work and he already has to on the day I really need him (the actual iui). But I guess I was hoping he would drop everything to join me on his day off. His commitment, as far as I am concerned is not that important (it's sports related). I kind of feel like I give up everything and make all the concessions to try to make this effing baby thing work. I think he could put forth a tiny effort. I know he cares and all that, but really a little pat on the back for me and a touch of support wouldn't hurt. Am I being overly sensitive here? Hormones do that to me.

Anyway. I'm tired and bloated, crampy and feeling kind of crappy, you know the usual during this medicated cycles. But I'm hanging in. I hope all of this is worth it in the end. I keep trying to focus on my positive thoughts.

This and That...

2008-01-09T09:25:00.000-05:00

Wow, I'm a blogging machine these days. I guess I have had a lot to say. Well I'm back at it. made the trek into the city at 6am this morning for blood. Step #1 in iui#2.

Shots to commence tomorrow. 75iu of Pu.reg*n. Until Tuesday and then re-check on the estri.adol. Lots of waiting. I'm not so good at that.

I'm a little apprehensive. This cycle scares me the first one worked so easliy, what are the odds that #2 will be successful, or have they pinpointed the cocktail that makes me get pregnant? I guess we'll see. The suspense is killing me. Especially since a control freak like me has no control over the outcome. I have a feeling it's going to be a long month.

Hopefully ya'll can bear with me and I don't drive us both crazy.

And there it is...

2008-01-08T10:57:00.000-05:00

CD #1. Yup woke up this morning to it. Well no sense in dwelling on it. Today begins iui#2. Shots to commence on Thursday. We'll see how it all plays out.

In other life (the non-IF obsessing part of my life). Here are the reno pics I promised, along with a couple of my fur baby.

New Doors, still Christmas-y!

New Patio Doors to the yard!!

And someone is exhausted by all the renos!

Another month of trying to keep busy and distracted. I am so impatient.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

2008-01-07T21:42:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm referring to myself. I took an HPT, it was left over from the 2 pack that I bought to test on the legal luteal day 15 of my last iui cycle. I vowed never to have those retched things in my house, but alas, like an alcoholic, I'm a pee-stick-a-holic and I couldn't stop myself from the shiny wrapper to the cottonly tip, to the smell concealing cap, as soon as I realized I was a day late this month. I had ripped it open and peed on it, before I knew what I was doing was wrong. When to my pee-stick bleary eyes, only one line appeared, I was disappointed. DISAPPOINTED! Am I nuts I ask, how could I be disappointed, how many pee sticks have I peed on? Hundreds? How many of them have been positive, a very small percentage I'm guessing. So why would I ever entertain the idea that it might be possible? I went from thoughtful about the reasons for my pretty regular 30 day cycle to be late, to uncontrollable peeing, to deflated, disappointment in less than 3 minutes. What a ride. I think I'll go pop a few hundred in the nearest slot machine while I'm at it, maybe I'll win my mortgage payment for the month.

I lost control, I vowed to myself to ban those fucking pee sticks from my house, I always remember where I stashed them, although I can't find my keys in the morning before work, or my passport that I left in the car yesterday, I can find pee sticks that I stashed 7 or 8 months ago in the drawer in the spare room. I need a 12 step program, does anybody know where there are meetings for us pee-stick-aholics? I could use some help!!

Anyway, that wrapped up my already draining day and I have no one to blame but myself. I suspect the crimson tide will arrive tomorrow, then on to the new cycle. IUI #2. God, I was hoping to avoid it. Still not sure at this point if I am more afraid of a failed cycle or another bfp. Both have fears of their own.

In update news, the nye trip was a great getaway for Clark and I. We had a blast, drank a few too many, but it was all in good fun and we narrowly missed the snow storm that pummeled southern Ontario on New Year's Day, so all was well. It was a fun couple days of partying and having fun before the somberness (and soberness) of this new iui cycle are upon us.

Still feeling a little blue, maybe my hormones, they always add a nice mix to the emotional cocktail of IF. hopefully this will pass. Next post I promise a picture post.

I need to catch up on what is going on with all of you, I've been very busy catching at work after the holidays, so i'm off to get my fix of blog reading!

7 Random Things About Me...

2008-01-02T10:56:00.000-05:00

Seeing as how I have been an absentee blogger over the holidays, I just noticed wanttobeamom tagged me! My first tag, I am so excited!! So here goes:

7 Random Things About Me:
1. I am on my second marriage, first time around I married my high school sweetheart early in my twenties, it was a 10 year relationship, but only a 2 year marriage. We divorced when I was 24. We were both immature and stupid and I wish I had done many things differently. I'm glad we aren't married anymore, we were so incompatible. But I could have handled a lot of things differently. I am married again and will celebrate my 3rd anniversary in March.
2. I have had the same best friend since we were 12! It's crazy, but awesome. She has been a complete rock throughout my IF ordeal.
3. I love anything with butterflies or dragonflies on it. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's butterflies! My shower curtain, candles, socks, jewellery, oh especially jewellery!
4. I secretly want to get a tattoo but don't because, I am considerably overweight and think it would look gross! If I were skinny, I'd do it.
5. I am pretty seriously overweight, I'm talking a size 18-20, I'm 4'11'' and of course have pcos and it is extremely difficult for me to lose weight. I secretly worry this affects my fertility but have no motivation to change it, I am in complete denial most of the time. It started when I quit smoking at 25, I had never weighed over like 120, until I gained about 40 lbs in 3 or 4 months and have never been able to lose it. I am incredibly embarrassed about how fat I am.
6. I love to travel, I like seeing new places and different cultures. I would go away every six months is I could afford it and my hubby would agree. I really want to go to Europe. I would also like to see Mexico and actually I would pretty much go anywhere, I envy the contestants on the Amaz.ing Ra.ce.
7. I have an amazing job in real estate. I am technically self employed, which has a few drawbacks but over all, it's the best job I could ask for, I just wish I made a tiny bit more money.

Hopefully that wasn't too boring. It was actually harder than I thought to do. Happy New Year everyone! I'll post on my nye trip with Clark and an IF update later this week, for now I need to get something accomplished at the office!

Up and down...

2007-12-19T13:32:00.000-05:00

Why does this whole process feel that way. I feel like I am just coming to terms with how long and hard of a journey getting pregnant will be, and then hope rears it's ugly head again. Don't get me wrong, I got great results at the RE yesterday and I couldn't be happier about it. It just seems that I am filled with hope once again, just to get torn down.

But the news - the sono-hsg came back clear. No structural problems at all with the old ute! So this is very good. My RE seriously think I have just been incredibly unlucky. PCOS gives us a higher risk of miscarriage anyway, so I just got the short end, it seems.

We are proceeding with the rpl blood panel. They drew that yesterday and we'll hopefully have results early January. But we have been given the go ahead to proceed with iui #2 on the start of my next cycle.

So I guess we're jumping back on the old roller coaster to see if we can get lucky this time. In the event the blood clotting test comes back positive we'll know before I am pg and can proceed accordingly. My RE doesn't think that's the problem.

So dare I muster a little hope?

Oh and as a last thought, the sono-hsg was horrible I had a weird pukey dizzy reaction that stayed with me throughout the day. Test itself was ok, thankfully its done!

Christmas and Christmas Gifts...

2007-12-14T10:16:00.000-05:00

I am done my shopping!!! I am so happy, everything is wrapped and I am pretty much ready to go. No dodging out to the store at the last minute I hope!

My camera seems to be having difficulty. So I am postponing the picture post of the renos. They are sort of at a stand still for the moment anyway. Clark is procrastinating on doing the inside and I can't really say I blame him. He has worked really hard on everything over the last 3 months or so. We still need drywall and some adjustments to the heating ducts out there, but it will get done.

Right now the big stumbling block is finding 2 ceiling fans that I like, that I can afford (or that I want to pay for). I know I am a very savvy shopper and like to get a good deal (read: married to the cheapest man alive) but I refuse to pay $200 for a ceiling fan, especially when we need 2 to match! Since the completed room, used to be a breezeway and has no basement under it, I am worried that the temperature out there will always be compromised. Will it be cold in the winter and hot in the summer compared to the rest of the house? We have an electric fireplace that will go out there for the winter, and I wanted 2 ceiling fans to keep the air flow going in the summer months. There will be heat and a/c out there. But I guess we'll see. We insulated the crap out of it hoping that will help.

Oh and as for the surprise I got Clark. I booked a hotel for 2 nights for new year's eve in the city where we got married (about 3 hours away). He has no idea, and we were just grumbling about what to do for nye this year. Since it has pretty much sucked for the last few. So I thought it would be a perfect time to rekindle our partying ways and just go the 2 of us and have a blast and as I like to say - party like it's 1999! Back in the day when I used to party!!!

I hope he likes it. I prepaid the hotel, so he won't see the cost or have to worry about the credit card bill when we get back, since the majority of our money is joint it's hard to spend a few hundred bucks without him seeing it, but I did it! I think it will be fun. I haven't planned anything else, just that we are leaving on the Sunday and coming home on the 1st. I made him a cute little card to give him xmas morning and then we can plan exactly what to do while we're there. There appears to be lots of options!

I also hope the weather co-operates. Driving 3 hours in the heart of an Ontario winter could be a challenge or it could be 2 degrees C, who knows!! Plus some the nye activity is outside, so it would be nice if the temperature was reasonable.

So Tues is my sono-hsg. Wish me luck. Oh and to the question about the RPL blood panel, I am set up to do that in January. They wanted me to wait 6-8 weeks following a 0 beta. Which I finally got on November 19. I think they will be checking for all the clotting mutations such as V lei.den fac.tor and m.th.fr. Once they get some more information we can figure out what the next step is. I assume I will have more direction after I see the RE on Tues.

No word on whether our puppy was successfully conceived yet. I don't really expect to hear anything until after the holidays.

I am soooo looking forward to having some time off at Christmas. Clark is a teacher so he has 2 weeks. I am done the 21st until the 2nd!!! YAY!! I am sleeping and relaxing!

Finding the Christmas spirit...

2007-12-11T09:56:00.000-05:00

I popped over to Disenchanted with Reality and read her most recent post. WOW! Can I relate to all the feelings and tensions she has with regard to her hubby. Clark and I have been going through the same thing. He keeps everything bottled up inside, and my hurt and anger and disappointment just seems to come out as impatient and bitchy.

I am still hurting, I am still disappointed and the Holiday season just makes it that much worse, all the festive Santa stuff, just reminds me how I'm not celebrating the holidays with my own kids. None of our siblings have kids either so there is no Santa visit in our houses. Christmas is a low key day, we open presents and don't get me wrong, our families are incredibly generous and we are blessed in so many ways. But I was the last baby born in my and Clark's families, making me the youngest and let's face it Christmas is so much about Children and surprise.

So as another Holiday passes and I am reminded again of what I don't have, I really am trying to embrace what I do have. Clark and I had a great talk the other night, he finally acknowledged and validated my feelings. I have been rather mean to him lately, not intentionally, just unconsciously, I think I was harbouring some resentment toward him, he seems to just move on with no mourning period whatsoever and here I am wallowing. It's hard. I won't deny, I struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, sometimes I am gripped with a sadness that causes me physical pain and almost brings me to my knees. I'm also angry and bitter and resentful. I don't want to be. But I look back at the past year and think wow, 2 pgs and 2 miscarriages in less than a year. My hormones are all over the place and I'm sure that doesn't help. Clark remains positive and hopeful and I can't look to the future yet. I can't contemplate another pg, because with it I contemplate the possibility of another loss. I'm not sure I can lose another baby, I think it would tear down the last shred of sanity I am holding onto. But I know I will move forward for him.

When I look back I think about what a long, awful, unexpected journey this has been. But then I fear that it has only begun. There is so much more to come. The investigations, the tests, the vicious cycle of cycles, the hope and the despair. When I began the process of assisted trying, I feared how I would cope physically, if I was strong enough and stoic enough to get through the needles and the bloodwork and the u/s and the lap and the hundreds of other pokes and prodes. But now I know, it's not the physical that brings us down, it's the emotional hell I have been through. It's a road so dark, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's a tip to hell so real that I hope not another couple ever buys a ticket. As I write this the song playing on the radio is "I will go down with this ship". God I hope that's not true.

Saturday I got my period. I scheduled my sono-hsg for Tuesday (a week from today). It's the last thing I want to do before the Holidays. But my get-er-done attitude makes me just want to get things moving forward. I'm afraid if I don't take this first step. I never will. This is the first in the process to figure out why my babies keep dying. Clark wants me to do it. He so much as told me so. He would like to believe we are on the cusp of figuring out what the problem is. I hope he's right.

I feel a lot of guilt as well like this is all my fault and Clark is just unlucky and along for the ride, because he didn't choose a suitable breeding partner. I know that's silly. But I can't help it.

Whoa, I don't even know where all of that came from, but I guess I need to get it out. Apparently the Holidays are effecting me more than I thought. I promise an uplifting post next time. Complete with reno and dog pics and a complete update on the surprise I got Clark for Christmas, which I hope will allow us some time together and bring us back to happier times in our relationship.

A little Christmas-y!

2007-12-06T14:26:00.000-05:00

Well, I started thinking about how bah-hum-bug my post sounded yesterday, so last night, i had a glass of wine and at least put up a few lights outside and hung a wreath on the front door as well.

I was delinquent about taking pictures of the renos, although, i want to remember what it looked like before, so will have to get on that and promise I will post a couple.

I was glad to hear from those of you who have had sono-hsg and say it's painless. At least that's good.

The puppy news is very exciting for me. I realized how little I talk about my sweet little BT (bos.ton ter.rier) on here. But she really is the centre of our household. We love her like crazy and she is always up to some crazy antics, that make you laugh. We won't know until closer to xmas or after if this breeding 'takes' as the breeder put it. So I'll know for sure in the new year if there will be an available litter. Same breeder we got the sweet girl from, so we aren't too worried about temperament etc. My gut is to go with another girl. I have to start thinking about names and I'm open to suggestions so please feel free to comment. I hate dog sounding names though, I prefer something more humany!

And to please Chas, since I likely won't have pics of the new pup for months, here's our #1. She's 3 1/2 and a total ham!!

PS - I have always avoided posting pics to maintain my anonymity but, everyone needs a few adorable dog pics!!

I'm still around...

2007-12-05T16:26:00.000-05:00

And I've been checking in on all of you. Although I have mostly been lurking. I haven't really had much to say.

I'm working through the crazy mix of feelings I have being going through over the last couple months. I am not really looking forward to Christmas. But I am trying to keep plugging on. I haven't put up any decorations and I'm not really sure that I am going to. I hung a wreath on my door. I have started my shopping though and I'm about half done.

In reno news, our new doors finally got installed! And they look beautiful, I 'm going to post some pictures this week with my wreath up, it looks just like a Christmas card!! The electrical work is done in the new sunroom/den, insulation is in and we just need to drywall. I can't wait until it's done! We still have a ton to do in our house, another bathroom to complete and some decorating to finish, but it's getting there. All of my friends are moving to big new homes. But I just don't want the mortgage, I'm happy with my fixer upper. I get to do everything exactly the way I want and I get to pay for it gradually, plus I have money to spend on other things, like my new car! And trips or of course, fertility treatments!

Although I have to say that I have been extremely fortunate that between our provincial coverage and Clark's benefits, we have only had to pay out of pocket for about $400 over the last 2 1/2 years! I know how much my American girlfriends fork out. Just another reason I proud to be Canadian!! In other baby making news. We have been bad. We have not abided by our RE's orders for protected sex. We have been taking our chances. Not sure that this is 100% smart, but we'll see. I should be getting my period any day now, I haven't had one since the miscarriage and it's day 40, last miscarriage I go it on day 41. So we'll see if I stay on that schedule. Our case manager called today, they want me to notify them of my day 1 and they want to do a sono-hsg. i looked it up (of course) and it's a wanding where they fill your uterus with saline, to check for fibroids, polyps etc. Sounds fun. But then there could be worse. I'll do it (of course). At the same appointment he'll go over any other tests that he wants to do and a game plan. So I guess, as usual, it's a waiting game for aunt flo to rear her ugly head.

In happy news, I finally broke Clark about getting a puppy. Our breeder thinks she'll have a litter ready to go in the Spring, if her recent breeding goes well. So yay!! I think I want another girl. Anyone with two dogs that has any advice on which combo of sexes works best together, 2 girls, one of each? I'm excited about that and it gives me something to look forward too. My mom thinks I'm taking too much on in case I do get pg (what are the odds of that again?) And you know what if I end up with a puppy and pg, I say yipppeee! I'll be off on mat leave with all of them.

Now I'm just kind of concerned I'll end up pg this month since I wasn't asking for it!!! I know, I totally knew what I was getting into, when I chose to take my chances. Things never happen the way we plan, so I choose not to plan!!

Good thoughts for the day (for a change)...

2007-11-14T14:42:00.000-05:00

I received this in an email. I loved it. I wanted to share it will all of you wonderful blogger ladies out there who keep coming back to cheer me on, even when I'm sure the game is over. So thank you. I know I sound unhappy and pessimistic, I hope I am going through the process of grieving, whatever it is I need to grieve. I want to hold onto a tiny shred of hope. It's just been a very dark year for me. So thanks again for sharing your stories and for your support. This blog has been nothing but a place of comfort for me these past months.

So here's my good thoughts for today:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. Y ou'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Bless all of you who still come to my pity party!!!

Nothing too good or exciting...

2007-11-13T15:07:00.000-05:00

That's what I have had to say lately. And the reason I haven't posted much lately. Still hanging in there. Life has started to resemble the way things were before we started ttc, just with an added bitchy flare.

We are doing all the things we used to do, I feel as though, at times I'm going through the motions and my heart isn't in it. I hope this lessens as time passes. You know, I just thought, should I bother putting up xmas decorations. I was asking myself why I bothered carving Halloween pumpkins. It seems like the things that people with kids should do. Does that mean I shouldn't bother because I don't have kids. It seems pointless and although there is no one to enjoy it with.

I'm sad alot of the time. I am trying to wrap my head around the possibility of not having kids and I'm living my life as though we won't. I'm not worrying anymore about spending, just in case I go off on mat leave. I'm not worried about having enough room in the house to clear out the spare room for a nursery. I'm not counting the days of my cycle or peeing on ovulation sticks. I'm not secretly looking at maternity clothes. I'm not calling for my blood work or driving an hour into the city for appointments. I'm just doing what I used to so before I knew that having kids won't be a 10 month process. It stings. It hurts. But what can I do? I can't decide life isn't worth living without kids.

I still have a great life, it's just very different then I ever imagined. I have great friends and alot of great family. It's what I keep telling myself and how I get through the day. So far it's working.

I hate hope and I refuse to hope anymore. I accept reality. I have to.

Getting things going...

2007-11-05T10:03:00.000-05:00

Well the roof guys showed up this morning! A week late, but they showed. So hopefully the roof fix will be complete later this week.

The 2 weeks has passed since they ordered our new doors, so hopefully, they will be installed this week as well. I want to call and see if they are in but don't want to look like a pest calling on the day they were due. I'll call Wed. if I haven't heard from them by then.

I am feeling better physically today. Last night (sorry tmi) Clark and I tried to reclaim our sex life. It went well. It had been so long! About 2 months, although, I'm embarrassed to admit that. We were too afraid when we thought we may have created a viable pg to do anything. Then the miscarriage happened and obviously things were not going to happen then. But yesterday the bleeding stopped, I had a drink and a wonderful hot bath and then we got at it!

So some sense of normalcy has returned to my life. I went and had a couple glasses of wine with my girlfriends on Saturday. Which I then threw up! But it was worth it. I think it was residual from the mis.opros.tal or just that I haven't drank in months. Normally 2 glasses is nothing and I didn't feel drunk. But whatever.

So I guess we're on a break until at least the new year. We were bad and didn't use any protection last night. How important do you think using something is? I mean really what are the odds, I'll get pg au naturale? I don't want a repeat performance of the last 2 pgs. I thought we could use the rhythm method, although the reverse of that wasn't very successful in getting me pg, so maybe I don;t know my cycles at all? What to do. Part of me feels like saying screw it and just going for it. and the other part of me tells me to play it safe stock up on condoms and do what the dr says, until I find out what the hell my problems are. What do you think?

It's all over...

2007-11-02T14:55:00.000-04:00

But the crying, as they say! Got the all clear from the RE today. Final u/s showed not signs of the gestational sac, nice sized ovaries and only a thin lining to be shed. Woo-hoo. Everything is as it should be. Thank god, no d&c.

Weekly blood draws until Hcg reaches zero. So at least that part of it is over.

My house renos are finally moving on. The roofer was supposed to be there today to start the repairs to our 4 year old roof, that was done incorrectly the last time. The new doors for the new 'sun room' (not really sure what to call it yet) should be in this week.

We may be able to complete the bathroom downstairs more quickly than we had thought seeing as how I will be continuously working with no mat leave in sight, at least not for 2008. Yeah looking for that silver lining. Anyway, we have very little furniture right now as we ditched all the shit we had leftover from university living and we are getting some real stuff, hand me downs still, but very upscale hand me downs, hopefully by the end of the year.

I am basically redecorating my entire house with the exception of the master bedroom. I still don;t know what to do with the 3rd bedroom, I had cleared out for the nursery. It still has a dresser and desk in it, but is basically empty, maybe I'll put a twin bed in there, or perhaps I'll turn it into a craft room. Clark would like it if I gave him a den back, we'll see. I have to do something with it, looking at it all empty just depresses me more.

As for the sunroom, it was an poorly enclosed breezeway between the house and garage and we spruced it up with garden doors to the yard and new exterior doors and side lights into the driveway, we are going to make it a sunroom or sitting room with a tv and storage for coats and shoes etc. A place to have coffee or a drink and see into the yard. It has taken a while but as I said things are moving forward with it. maybe I'll post some pics as it reaches completion.

100th Post

2007-11-01T15:02:00.001-04:00

I wish my 100th post was not happening at my most defeated.

I had hoped when I started this blog that by now, my dreams would be coming true. I'm tired of the fight right now. My body and soul have been through so much these past few weeks. I don't know how much fight I have left in me now. I am still cramping and bleeding and my body constantly reminds me of what I have lost.

I sat and watched the trick or treaters at the door last night, with a few glasses of wine for solace. I'm afraid I'll never get experience the joys of childhood with my own kids.

I'm deathly afraid of what these latest developments mean. Will I never be able to carry a baby to term? Can they fix this? I have so many questions and so few answers. This latest miscarriage just presents more questions. I hate the idea of waiting around for months while they figure out what they can do if anything. Of course, I will do it, because I can't bear the thought of going through this again.

I think now that the physical aspects of the end of this pregnancy are waning. The emotional ones are creeping in. I hope this deep profound sadness I have found myself enveloped in, will soon lessen.

Flat on my back...

2007-10-30T23:53:00.000-04:00

That's where I have been since Friday, they gave me mis.pros.tol to induce the miscarriage. It was incredibly painful the first night. It was not a fun weekend. Had a f/u u/s on Monday to see if the gestational sac had passed. It had not. Another round of the drug for another 48 hours. Currently doing that and lots of tyle.nol 3.

I am very tired and have extreme cramps and finally alot of bleeding. Another u/s on Friday to make sure all is clear. Followed by weekly blood draws to monitor dropping of hcg.

The RE told me not to speculate too much about the future. They need testing to confirm the problem and then we'll take it one step at time from there. I need to wait 6-8 weeks following a zero beta to start testing.

It looks like it will be a long winter, and likely well into the new year before we can get any firm answers or start another cycle. Thanks again for so many encouraging comments. It has helped more than you will ever know.

Information Required...

2007-10-25T12:01:00.000-04:00

I wish I knew more about what was happening with my body. I know I'll get some answers eventually. But right now I need to know.

How is this miscarriage going to play out. Nothing, and I mean nothing is happening not even so much as spotting. So I have the call the RE clinic tomorrow, then they say they will give me drugs to cause the miscarriage.

What is this whole clotting issue. I tried to do a bit of research about MTHR etc. but does any one have any first hand knowledge about this. Can they fix this. What does this mean for me long term?

I am just so full of questions right now and seem to have very little answers. I hope I get an appointment with the RE to discuss everything. I'm all over the place. Back to work today. But I just want to move onto the next step.

The road to acceptance...

2007-10-22T22:15:00.001-04:00

I just read all of your wonderful comments! You all have touched my heart during horrible time. So thank you, thank you so much.

I'll be ok, I just need a while to lick my wounds.

Fuck.

2007-10-22T11:28:00.000-04:00

I couldn't think of a more appropriate title for this post. So sorry to any of you that are offended by that kind of language.

So yes, bad news. No heartbeat. Gestational and yolk sac measuring only six weeks. Fuck. Same as last time. Only now this suggests a reoccurring problem, not just a fluke.

I am dealing. I am going for lunch and to day drink. I think I'm taking a few days off work.

They will wait for my period or induce it. Then testing for clotting issues is the next step. Yay! I get to enter recurrent pg loss testing. Great.

Fuck.

It's over. The hope, it's over, only to be replaced by bitterness. I am angry, Clark asked me who at and I'm not sure yet.

Thank God It's Friday!

2007-10-19T11:52:00.000-04:00

3 more days! Can't wait. I'll be posting happy results on Monday I just know it, but don't stop keeping us in your prayers.

Still here...

2007-10-18T14:14:00.000-04:00

All I have to say or think about today is man am I tired! I didn't sleep well at all last night. Couldn't get comfortable. Boobs hurt, Clark was snoring, the dog was hogging the bed. I finally went into the other bedroom at 2am, watched tv for an hour or so and then fell asleep for a few hours. But I'm beat.

I know there is only much more of this to come, so I'd better get used to it and I'm not complaining! I'll take every pg affliction going to get to the end of the road with this one. I'm very cautious about lifting stuff. I feel pretty lazy, I just sit back and watch everyone do the work. How concerned should I be about lifting stuff?

Oh well, almost another day down and tomorrow TGIF!!! Then I just have to get through the weekend. And Monday will be here!

Time is actually flying by!

2007-10-17T10:18:00.000-04:00

I have been really busy, so time is ticking away. We are seriously starting our renos on Friday night. Clark is demolishing and then we are getting new doors on Monday and the roof fixed next week. So we have lot of other things to think about and do to keep us busy.

I bought my first maternity shirt. Couldn't help myself the price was right and it was cute! I also bought some belly cream! Not that I need it just yet, but I was in the drug store (picking up my pro.metrium refill) and they had 3 bottles of belly lotion (3 different types, oil, lotion and cream - all palmers) for 20 bucks! Plus you got a free baby name book. So how could I resist that. I figure that's enough belly cream to get me through until June and I could always use a name book - it the Mot.her of A.ll Bab.y Na.me Boo.ks, I skimmed it last night and it looks decent.

Anyway. I hanging in and doing ok for now. I just hope I will be able to share happy, wonderful news with you all on Monday. I actually can't believe it's only 5 days away now. When I started this countdown it seemed like forever. I'm actually excited to see my little bun!! I was also really excited to see my ticker hit 7 weeks today!!! Yeah!

I feel like the stressful time is about to get better, once I get through the hurdle of the u/s, then the next big milestone is hitting 13 weeks and the second tri. I think I get a second u/s at 12 weeks which will be reassuring. I don't even have a dr as yet. The RE needs to refer me to an OB in the big city since I don't want to mess around with the rinky-dink drs in this town. Which will happen on Monday, the RE clinic releases me then if all looks good! I will be more than pleased to graduate and start acting like a normal pg person! I think my xmas I might be a believer!

I have been scoping out baby paraphernalia in stores and maternity clothes and I can't believe how much of a fraud I feel like. I keep looking at all the people around me thinking they know, they know. And then I think they know what? I AM PG! So why do I feel like a fraud, is it that I don't really believe it yet? I don't know, but I can't wait until I can strut my belly right into bab.ies r. u.s and feel proud!

6 days to go...

2007-10-16T10:38:00.000-04:00

Until that blessed u/s. Well I have made it this far, sanity mostly intact. I feel no different. Still a little tired but the energy level has improved this week. Still a bit of food aversion but no major m/s. Still a little early for that maybe?

Well I'm still counting down the days and praying. God, I hope everything is OK. I want to see my little bun with the little heart beating away. I think if I can make it until the weekend, I'll be ok.

Working on staying as distracted as possible, the weekend was a nice and welcome distraction. Work is a tad boring right now which isn't that helpful. Oh well, one day at a time.

Embracing Hope...

2007-10-12T10:15:00.000-04:00

Well as you may have noticed. I took the plunge and posted a ticker. Mostly because I was sick of trying to figure out exactly how many weeks and days I am. Also because I really want to embrace this pregnancy.

We're headed out of town for the weekend to friends. It should be a nice distraction and when I get back to work on Monday, only one week to go!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Reminders from Blogland...

2007-10-11T10:29:00.000-04:00

I always appreciate the comments from everyone and I'm sure a lot of you must be sick of my constant obsessing and impatience over this whole thing. Although I know many of you relate to many of the feelings I have. But I really want to thank you for reminding me that I am pregnant right now. And I am enjoying it and I thank you for reminding me to be thankful for what I have right at this moment. I just know how it feels when it all comes crashing down and I keep hoping, hoping and praying that all will end well.

What I really want to be doing is shouting it from the roof tops! I'm gonna be a mom! We're gonna have a baby! Isn't it wonderful, isn't it a miracle. I want to tell every single person I meet, I want to talk about it 24-7, what we're going to name the baby. Where the baby will sleep, what the nursery will look like, will I breast feed, is it a boy or girl, is it more than one? Will I come back to work full time, how long will I work for, until 2 weeks before, 3 weeks? So many plans to make and so many people to share our joy with. That's what I want to be doing.

But for now I feel like it is my little secret from the world. I walk around with this silly smile on my face knowing my little secret and just waiting for the moment I can share it. I hope this moment is soon. I want to buy everything, I want to know what I'm having. I am so freaking happy I can barely contain myself and there is no denying this no matter how reserved I try to be about it. There is just this nagging little doubt in the back of my mind that says, don't get too excited, don't get too attached, don't put all your eggs in this basket, just in case. Just in case the worst happens again. But it doesn't matter I already love this baby more than anything. I am already attached and already committed. How can I not be? I am so thankful for these last couple weeks, I feel like all of my dreams are within reach, the finish line is in sight I just need to keep going a few more miles.

So please keep praying for continued success for the little bun and I'll keep trying to be optimistic and positive. And I can never express how thankful I am to all of you for your continued support, I feel like this blog is the only thing keeping me together right now.

Feelings...

2007-10-10T15:58:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm still here waiting... and waiting. Patience is definitely not one of my characteristics. I hate waiting. I have so many unresolved feelings. I'm still happy and hopeful. But I'm scared. I keep thinking (and I know this is terrible) that this time has to be the one, it can't turn out badly again. But then I read all the stories of women who have had multiple miscarriages and I know it most definitely can happen again. And nothing is guaranteed. Every time, I feel a funny little cramp a feeling of panic washes over me.

When I feel good, I worry that the lack of symptoms must mean something. I worry this ultrasound is not going to yield the happy results that I want. I'm happy, but I'm tense, like the rug might be yanked out from under me at any moment. Like I won't believe it or be truly relaxed until I see that heart beat on the u/s.

Like I have gotten our families all excited again about nothing. We haven't told any extended family or any friends other than my best friend. We really want that reassurance that all is well. I am even scared to post a baby ticker.

I know deep down that no matter what I say or think this baby is already what it is. But I can't help falling into that trap of thinking that I might 'jinx' something if I post a ticker if I order crib bedding or whatever. I know this isn't how it works but it keeps me from doing anything.

I think I will survive the next 12 days. I know I keep going over and over the same thing. I am driving myself crazy too.

Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

2007-10-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

Well there is nothing like a nice long weekend to knock a few days off the wait. Less than 2 weeks now to the u/s.

I'm happy. Happy we will soon see some documented proof our little bun exists. I don't feel anything in particular. A little nauseous here and there. It's really more food aversion I think. I am really, really tired. We had an incredibly busy weekend and it was all I could do to keep up. My energy level is so low, I am asleep by 9pm most nights. My house looks like a bomb went off in it. But I keep hoping this will pass. 6 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I still feel as though it's not real.

It's a wonderful happy dream.

I feel the love...

2007-10-03T16:52:00.000-04:00

Thanks again for all of the kind comments. I feel I am gaining more confidence with each passing day. It's as though each day is a rung in the ladder to success.

I also keep reminding myself that many of us have suffered the pain of miscarriage and have gone on to have healthy babies. So I just keep praying I am in that boat this time!

Not sure I like all the twinny comments! Everyone seems to be thinking the same thing. I will say my beta with my last pg was over 2200 at 19dpo. So I'm not sure what any of this means. Everyone that has twins didn't even have as high a beta as I did, this worries me slightly. Us darn infertiles, you just can't make us happy, beta too high, beta too low, are we never satisfied?!

I guess we will know soon enough how many little buns are cooking in there! Right now I am just trying to be grateful for all that is and all that I have.

Tryingto wrap my head around it all...

2007-10-02T16:34:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much for all the encouragement!! I really wish there was some other test or score or number or something before Oct 22. I can I be expected to go 3 weeks with no information? Do they have any idea who the hell they are dealing with here?

So I have thought a lot about things, ok truthfully, I have thought about nothing else for 3 days. I think 1800 is a very high beta, I couldn't help myself, Dr. Google is always in my face. So I checked and it seems fairly high for 18dpiui. Is that a bad sign? Now before you jump all over me, I am not looking for things to worry about. Because deep down I know that no matter the number, the u/s or what the Drs (Google or otherwise) say, nothing means nothing until I hold a baby in my arms (or at least until I see a heartbeat on a u/s)! So I am just paddling along waiting for the next confirmation that everything seems ok.

My optimism will raise with each milestone passed. Once I hit the second tri, I know I will feel better. But I have done so much dreaming this week. The crib, the bedding, the room, the stroller I want, the names, the possibility of twins (eek!), my time off work. It all seems so surreal and like certainly at any moment I will wake up and this will all be a dream.

Could this really be happening to me? I was driving to work yesterday morning thinking about all that I have and it was the happiest I have been in a really long time. I feel like I couldn't ask for more. Is this real, have I really been this blessed, are my dreams of being a mom, right there within my reach. Could it really be? Could it be?

Why does this all seem so hard to believe? Damn infertility! How I long to just see that little thump, thump of a tiny beating heart on that u/s. Will I go insane before then, will I believe it's real before then? Will it all turn out the way it does in my dreams? God, I hope so.

I keep trying to let it all sink in, I'm so very tired, all I want to do is sleep. I am so unfocused I can't think about anything else except this tiny life that is about to change mine in so many ways. I'm scared, but I'm happy and I'm hopeful.

I know this has been a ramble, so bless those of you that are still reading it, but I needed to dump all of these feelings. I just hate how I can go from content and dreamy about it one minute to worried, pessimistic and doubtful about it in the next moment. I'm so all over the place, it's crazy.

I keep telling myself the only way to achieve the outcome I want is to keep telling the universe what I want ans acting as though that's what is going to happen. I try to keep focused on those positive dreams, we had already begun preparations to clean out our back bedroom before I even went for the iui, Clark has started referring to it as the baby's room now, and it gives me a start every time I hear it! I have pretty much already decided on a lot of things, we had some furniture in there we are going to use as the baby's, so the first main things we'll need is a crib and bedding, so we can decorate around those things. Once I have the u/s I am going full swing into baby mode, I think that's the only way I can overcome my disbelief! The other lingering thought in the back of my mind, of course, is the possibility of multiples, of course, I am happy to take whatever babies come in whatever quantities, one would be ideal, two I can deal with and I don't even want to think beyond that point.

Ok, enough rambling for today. Please keep praying all is well with our little one!!

Ok, here we go again...

2007-10-01T09:16:00.000-04:00

Well, I went for my beta yesterday. Got the results around 2:30. The number was 1800. The nurse thinks this is on track. So now we wait. And we all know how good I am at that.

Trying to remain positive and not think too much about what has happened in the past. U/S scheduled for Oct 22. At 8 Weeks.

No further betas. Just wait for the u/s. Please keep us in your prayers.

(btw... I know how I sound and I am VERY excited. I just want to see that u/s so bad!!)

15dpIUI

2007-09-27T09:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, I am actually apprehensive about posting this at all today. But this is my documentation of all things infertility, so it would seem a rip off to all the people who actually read this (thanks to all of you for continuing to tune in) and myself if I didn't present all the facts.

So with that preface in place. Today is the day that the Nurse said we could 'cheat' and do a hpt. So as indicated in my past post, I am very impatient. So I did it. Ok, in the face of honesty, I actually did one with Clark last night after work, but was concerned it may be too early so didn't want to put too much stock in the results. So we did another before work this morning. And I am most cautiously, very quietly whispering the results to you. (They were both positive).

My beta is on Sunday. That's all I really want to say about things for now. We are very cautiously optimistic. We have been down this road before and are glaringly aware of the pitfalls. One day at a time. And please keep us in your prayers. I may be on holiday from blogland for awhile, just while this settles in. So please bear with me in the coming days. I'll probably post the beta results on Sunday, good, bad or ugly!

13dpIUI

2007-09-25T15:48:00.000-04:00

Ok, I am really only compelled to post again today to document symptoms. I am really starting to drive myself a bit batty. I already know I am testing before the weekend. How can I not?

I have fairly strong crampy feelings right at my pelvic bone, almost a pain in my pelvic bone, I do recall having this when I was pg last time. I kept thinking I was getting my period even after a + test. And that's sort of how I feel now. Of course, it could be my period trying to come through in spite of the suppositories, who knows? I just know I feel pain there. I really really hope that is good.

Not much good news for my fellow cycle sistas and their iui outcomes. Dianne@flutterof hope and Fertilize me are both dealing with a bfns following their iuis. So jump over and offer some support. Not much to encourage a girl still waiting. I know only too easily I may be joining them at the end of the week. So I am trying to tell myself that I will not fall apart, I know I will do another cycle in November, I know if that one doesn't work we'll move onto IVF, I know I am only 31, I know my hubby is amazing and wants this as much as I do and will continue down this path with me. I am soooo lucky that all of the drugs are covered and our provincial health care covers labs and u/s and dr appts and that all I have to pay for are the actual procedures. I know we will find a way to come up with the money for the procedures, even if it means going into debt. I know my life is good.

Then there is always the slim hope that it works out this time, and then I move on to the next stage of worry. Getting to 13 weeks, hell getting to 12 weeks, seeing as I didn't make it that far last time. At this point I just need to know. One way or another, yes or no, positive or negative. I think I have been fairly patient up until this point, but the home stretch is killing me. If I can just hang on a few more days.

Thanks for all the encouragement and support and prayers. This 2ww thing could drive a girl crazy!!

12dpiui

2007-09-24T13:16:00.000-04:00

Well I have managed to get a week under my belt with out too much anxiety. I know the nurse told me I can poas on Thurs (15dpiui), but I don't know if I really want too. I still have the dream alive until I know for sure that I'm not. I know that is a really negative attitude, but well i don't have to explain it really do I?

In symptom watch, I am a little crampy, although I would call it more twingy or a pulling sensation very low, just above the hoo-ha. I am still doing the blessed va-jay-jay pills, so it could be the side effects from them. I am also damn tired, like couldn't get my butt of the couch for anything yesterday. And still bouts of nausea, not sure if that is still due to the met. But whatever, none of it means squat until I see 2 lines or a + beta. So why do I continue to speculate. Less than a week now.

Other than that life is busy and good. Still working on my house. Working hard at work. The usual. Keep your fingers crossed.

5dpIUI...

2007-09-17T09:22:00.000-04:00

Good lord, is that it - 5 days! I feel like I have been waiting around forever.

One if the things I have made a big commitment to this cycle is the no drinking. Now, Before I continue, don't get me wrong, I not an alcoholic or anything, I don't require meetings, nor do I drink during the week usually. However, I really, really enjoy a couple glasses of wine or a martini or 2. And occasionally, I over indulge slightly. I have not even had a sniff of anything alcoholic since I last had my period. I vowed to myself that I would not drink ANYTHING for this entire cycle (and of course that will continue if by the grace of God I get a bfp!) I do have to say nothing warrants a drink like the 2ww, however I am holding true to my commitment. My downfall seems to be the caffeine, I'm drinking 2 caffeinated drinks a day right now and I worry that it may be too much?

In symptom watch, I have been feeling very bloated and crampy and EXTREMELY tired for the past few days, not to mention the sore bbs. Not that any symptoms really mean anything, because the nurse already warned me the prog suppositories mimic early pregnancy symptoms. Why do they do that to us, the infertile, just to give us something else to obsess over!?

The meds are continuing I feel like all I do is pop something in my mouth or up my hoo-ha! I am pretty used to doing the suppositories, I can't imagine doing this for 3 months though! But I will if it's a means to an end! Still doing the met. Side effects are minimal.

More or less needing a distraction these days. I have a busy week, so hopefully things will keep me preoccupied.

Over and Onward...

2007-09-13T13:10:00.000-04:00

Well the actula IUI went smoothly. I t was pretty much what I expected. It was really fast so there was very little discomfort. I have had paps that were more painful.

The only downer of the day was that Clark's sample was a little bit lower count then we would have liked. I don't know what the total volume was, but after the wash it was 5.9 million. Which they assure me is still a decent number and totally worthwhile going through the procedure with. But apparently they really like to see it over 7 million after the wash. The upside is their motility was really good, as was morphology. So I'm not sure how good or bad any of that information is, as the dr reminded us, it really only does take one.

Yesterday, I felt terrible though. I think it was the combination of the ovi*drel and the cramping from the iui. Not too mention getting up so early. Feeling much more like myself, although, I am working from home today.

Well, now it's a waiting game. I go for my beta on the 30th (luteal day 18). The nurse told me if I cheat and do a HPT before the blood beta, not to do it before luteal day 15, which I guess is the same as 15 dpo. So that would be the 27th. I don't know if I will or not. Knowing me I probably will. Working on my patience for the next 2 weeks.

The Crossroads...

2007-09-11T09:19:00.000-04:00

That's what I feel I am upon. I got the call from my RE yesterday, Everything looks good to go ahead for Wednesday. I triggered last night at 10pm.

The trigger shot kind of scared me, but I did mind over matter mode, and got through it. Not feeling too bad yet this morning, so hopefully I will continue on this path.

All of my stuff is emotional. I have some anxiety surrounding all of this. I really am trying not to put all of my eggs, pardon the pun, into this basket. I really hope that this is the magic answer. But if I look deep into my heart of hearts, I know this may not work. Why do I feel filled with so much hope then? The next 18 days are going to be pure torture. I'll ask for sure tomorrow, but I think my beta will likely be October 1st. Seems like a life time away. How the hell do people stay sane through this. I know I have waited out worse. The 2 weeks between u/s when I miscarried was the truest form of hell I can ever imagine. But I know it will be weighing heavily on my mind.

In up beat news, my RL BF is getting induced tomorrow. How ironic that this day will be significant for both of us. She thinks it is a good vibe for both of us. She has been my friend for nearly 20 years and she has really been a rock for me through all of this. Early on in my fertility struggle, I think she didn't fully understand, but now that she is on the brink of welcoming her second child, she sees how important it is to me and knows why. We have been through a lot of ups and downs together and we always seem to be there at the most important times. Praying for an easy time for her tomorrow.

Also in upbeat ironic news, my breeder emailed me today and told me she has a 9 week old boston terrier that needs a home. A girl that is truly a cute as a button. What is this? The universe trying to distract me? Something to give me hope? I want her, but I have a feeling Clark will never agree. I'll mention it to him, we see.

2 more visits to the RE Clinic...

2007-09-10T12:00:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been Saturday and today. Things are looking pretty good. Estradiol was 501 and LH was 2 on Saturday. Three follies, not sure on the exactmeasurements, but they were all between 1.3 and 1.7cm I believe.

Waiting on my bw results from today but had the follie scan, they have all gotten bigger, again, haven't got exact measurements on all of them, but the largest, was just over 2cm. So once they have my blood levels, they'll call this afternoon with the next step.

Hopefully the next step is trigge tonight and have the iui on Wednesday. We'll see. A little stressed about it all, but nothing I can't handle. I am definately preoccupied and am getting nothing done here at work.

Keeping everything crossed.

Perspective...

2007-09-06T10:23:00.000-04:00

I was feeling a little mopey after Nurse M called yesterday, but I have to remain positive, it's only our first try and we had all agreed that this would be a trial and error cycle until we see how I respond to the meds. Plus it's not over until it's over, I kind of feel like I won't really know anything until the scan on Saturday.

Then we'll see if I have any follies and how big they are, maybe the increased meds will do the trick! God, it's no wonder I can't get pg au naturale, it really is taking a village! I firmly believe that I have to have something happening in these tired old ovaries of mine. I had a scan on cd 9 last month and had 3 follies on one ovary and I think 1 or 2 on the other and that was only on the M*et. We didn't measure them, because it seemed pointless then, but I would be very surprised if nothing is going on in there now.

Well, I guess we'll see soon. Clark is going in to the city for me after work today, he commutes half way between our hometown and the big city anyway for work, so it seemed to make sense that he goes and picks up my additional pure.gon cartridge since I am going to be needing more now that the dose is increased. The rinky-dink pharmacies here don't stock it and can't get it in for a few days, and I'll be out by tomorrow. It actually ended up kind of nice that the scan will be on a Saturday, so Clark can go with me. Although it means getting up at 5am on a Saturday to be there for 7am for bw.

I was thinking yesterday as I was driving (was that only yesterday, it's hard for me to believe that it is only cd9, this has been the longest cycle of my life!) to the city, - will I ever tell my child the story of their conception? Will they know how much they were wanted and how much Clark and I prayed for their arrival, is it something you share with your child? Will I tell my daughter when she is contemplating children of her own how much I was willing to go through to hold my own child in my arms? Will I tell my son, when I see my grandchild for the first time, how many tears I cried in hopes of that moment? Will any of these dreams be realized and will any of these questions ever need answers? I hope so. I really hope this is all worth it in the end. I know when I look into my child's eyes for the first time, it will have all been worth it and more. I know it.

I also really feel this journey, in the end will make me a better parent and will never have me taking my kids for granted. I will treasure every mommy moment even the tired ones, and the hard ones and the scary ones. For this child I really do pray. God help me.

Stumbling Blocks

2007-09-05T16:44:00.000-04:00

Nothing comes easy does it. Estrogen (I guess this is the estriadol number, although nurse m called it estrogen) is only 206, they like to see it between 250-500 on day 8. No scans for me until Saturday. Upping my pure.gon to 75iu. Great!

We'll see how this one plays out. Sometimes I think I set myself up for a self fulfilling prophecy.

Crap! What else can I say.

Update...

2007-09-04T10:56:00.000-04:00

Wow, I didn't realize how long I have been away from posting. I have been checking in on all my blogobuddies. Glad to see everyone is still hanging in there.

Well the general nastiness of the M*et has subsided. I feel much better these days. Spacing my meds correctly seems to help. Today is cd7, I'm full swing into the injections (5th one tonight), which really aren't all that bad. Once I got through a couple, they go pretty easy now. I am still filled with a bit of fear, I go for blood tomorrow and then start my follie scans either Thurs or Fri. I'm nervous I won't respond the way they want me to and I'll end up with a cancelled cycle or no follies or something equally as disappointing. Why do I always have to think so far in advance. I wish I could just take one day at a time and try not to look too far into the future. But, alas, that's just not who I am.

I had a bit of a hormonal breakdown on Saturday morning after my first shot Friday night, mostly crying and extremely emotional, but I seem to have fought past it and have been ok for the last few days. I will drive into the city alone for my bw tomorrow (Clark has to work) so I hope that doesn't give me too much time to think and fret about what is to come.

So far the whole iui process has not been as hideous as I had thought. It's gone pretty smoothly up until this point, though now my nerves are playing a role, since I will start to get some test results this week and see how I am responding to the meds. I will be very interested to see how many follies I have and how big they are by week's end. They have yet to give me any indication as to when I will actually have the iui. I think possible Monday since the last pure.gon shot is Friday, assuming all goes as planned. Again, thinking too far ahead, I guess.

I have been telling all the people in RL who know the process I am on, that I know there is not a great chance that this will work and we may have to do a few iuis or move onto IVF and I know and accept that, however, if I am really honest with myself, although I know all that I say aloud is reality and I really only have a 20% or less chance that this cycle will work, I know I will be devastated if it results in a BFN. I have to embrace my true feelings and that is that I want this baby soooo bad, I am willing my body to finally act the way it is supposed to. I am actually still a little angry at it. Well, no sense in kidding myself into believing I will be OK if this cycle is a bust, I know it will hit me hard. And that means waiting until November to try again. Why do I get so far ahead of myself.

Anyway, I am trying to focus on one day at a time, one m*et pill, one vitamin, one shot at a time. I'll post any results I get later this week.

Addition: I forgot to add that I gave up on the acupuncture, didn't do it in August either, anyone have any opinions on whether I should continue with it? It was getting too expensive, now with the frequent trips to the city and iui costs etc., but if it would help, I'd do it still. Any thoughts?

The nastiness of the meds...

2007-08-16T15:32:00.000-04:00

Well I am plugging along, trying to keep busy. We are doing some renovations to our house so organizing contractors and all that is keeping me really busy, which is what I need right now.

I upped my M*et to the full dose today. 1700mg. I have been trying to build up to it. God, it's nasty, I puked out my car window this morning. I would like to fantasize that this could be morning sickness, but it's cd 17. A tad early for that. I know it's the meds. Yuck! I hope I soon get used to it.

Waiting for my period to start my first cycle. Patiently. Waiting.

Happy and Hopeful...

2007-08-09T22:30:00.000-04:00

Surprisingly, that's how I am feeling after my RE appt. I LOVE my clinic, they are all so nice and reassuring and helpful and informative. So different from what I am used to from Dr. Optimistic here in my hometown! They told me basically the medical community in my hometown is sub-par. They thought it was insane that I did 7 months of cl0mid (albeit, not consecutive), they also thought it was ludicrous that I waited 2 weeks for a 2nd u/s after the first one showed no heartbeat, they mentioned that my gyn should not have been supportive of me going off the M*et. So that being said Clark told our nurse case manager in no uncertain terms that we wanted a referral to an OB in the big City if we do end up pg, they didn't feel that was a problem.

Ok, so let me tell you about how the appt was. We got to the clinic and they took us right in, we met our nurse case manager, I think we'll call her Nurse M, she is a cute and bubbly girl, about my age, maybe a little younger. We both really liked her. She answered all of our questions and I warned her that I ask a lot of questions and want to know the ins and outs of everything. She said that was great and she welcomed me to do my own research (like I need encouragement there, Dr. Google and I are very well acquainted!!) and ask her any questions that I come up with. I told her I may drive her crazy, but she seemed to think that was pretty normal! She talked us through what our first cycle would look like. Blood on day 2, pure*g0n for 8 days, Ovidr#el shot and of course the lovely suppositories and M*et through it all. Not too bad. I think I'll be fine with the shots once I get a couple under my belt (no pun intended!)

After our meeting with Nurse M we met with one of the other Drs in the clinic that we hadn't met yet. There are 4 in total. I think I liked her a little better than the last one, maybe because she is female or maybe because she has a no b.s. approach, Clark called her a ball-buster. But she was nice when she did my wanding, it surprises me how fast you get used to the wandings, they really don't bother me anymore. She had an interesting opinion, she didn't see any real red flags as to why we aren't getting pg, lining looked good, had three follies on my own this month! And she said the rest of my 'equipment' seems in order. She didn't think the blocked tubes are an issue, she said results of one HSG are not conclusive and the fact that I did in fact get pg once on my own supersedes any other diagnosis. So YIPPPEEE! We have been moved to unexplained! They are still treating me as a PCOS patient, so there's that, but it seems small in comparison, I don't know why being unexplained makes me feel better but it does.

So now I wait until my period arrives and as long as my day 2 blood work is good, onward to cycle #1 we go! I am just so glad to be doing something that feels productive!!! Nurse M is my go-to person at the clinic and she gave me her direct number and I can call her anytime, I like that.

I know the chances of the first IUI cycle working are slim, but I feel hopeful anyway. I am trying to be healthier too, I am giving up alcohol and reducing my caffeine, I might as well start acting pg. So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Kirsten, thanks for you comments, I was really having a pity party the last month or so. I know that when I hold my baby in my arms for the first time, I won't care how they got here, just that they are here. Hopefully soon, the sting of infertility will be a distant sad memory, although I know it will always be there. If anything through all of this, I think I will appreciate being a mom more now, since I have had to work so hard for it. Now if I can just keep this positive momentum going through the next few months, things will be great!!!

Where I have been...

2007-08-06T20:46:00.000-04:00

Here and there, out of the blogosphere. Trying hard to come to grips with my feelings. I'm feeling scared. Nervous. Anxious. Hopeful. Pessimistic. Scared (did I mention that already). Alone. Disappointed. Worried. I have so many feelings and thoughts and anxieties running through me right now, I am not sure if I am coming or going.

One more day and then I am off to my RE consult. I got my package in the mail about 2 weeks ago. It outlined my protocol for my iui. No time frame though. Will they start on my next cycle? It's cd 7 for me right now, so that means cd 9 when i see the RE. Will I be able to start on my next cycle? I guess I will find out. I am doing pure*g0n, prometr*-um and a shot of ovi*drel to make it all happen. It seems surreal, I know I have been blogging for over a year and dealing with all this infertility crap for longer, but it never really sunk in until, I realized the day after tomorrow I am going to get in my car drive an hour to another city and sit down with my RE, whom I have already seen twice to discuss, how he is going to try and get me pg. Then I am going to have someone teach me how to inject myself so that I can get pg. And on top of all that I am going to pay them money to do it. Not how I envisioned the conception of my first child. I was sort of thinking, ummm, a drunken party and great sex with my hubby! No, not happening.

So that's where I am going. I have been a bad blogger friend. I have not been here. Because I have been selfish, I have retreated to a place where I can deal. Deal with the emotions and feelings that keep creeping up inside me and threatening to overtake me. I was walking into a store today thinking about how bitching hot it is here 29C! And boom, it hit me, if I had not miscarried, I'd be due in less than 10 days, I'd be waddling around complaining about how hot it is and how swollen my feet are and all the other things pgs get to grumble about. But instead, I am planning my trip to the RE. To top off the chain of events, my period was 3 days late, and I had a somewhat ambiguous test that of course ended up being negative, but it's like the universe had to toy with me one last time. Blllaaaahhh! Frustrating.

I'm on a much needed vacation, so at least I am not all distracted at work. We were away, just got back on Saturday. I'm worried about some of our blogger girlfriends, what's up with passwords? Anyone know how Bumble or Baby Blues are doing?

I hope all is well, it's nice to hear Kirsten's girls are doing so well, I hope she gets them home soon. I'll be back with an update after my appointment. I don't know what else to say right now.