Thursday, June 05, 2008

Why does it feel like starting over?

We took the plunge!! I paid the $500 (non-refundable) deposit for our IVF. I picked up the nearly $3000 worth of drugs prescribed for me. HOLY SH*T! Thank god for our drug plan which covered every last penny!!! I have never left a pharmacy with 2 shopping bags of drugs. This experience get more and more surreal by the moment.

I'm happy to be moving onto the next step. I hope this is the step that works. All of you girls who commented on my last post and have been with me through most of this journey (special thanks Chas and Kirsten!) made me feel like I can do this. Your success stories only give me hope. I hope this works for us too!

We had our consult yesterday to determine the course of treatment and make some preliminary decisions (which I know could change throughout the process, depending on me and how I respond) but we have a tentative plan in place. The RE's feeling after watching me through 4 iuis is that our main problem is an ovulation one. The PCOS etc, just seems to keep me from ovulating and they feel I didn't respond terribly well to the pure.gon and seemed to indicate that 100iu is a high dose and I still only had 2 follies and pretty low E2. So they are doing a slightly different course of treatment. They are not suppressing me. I now that's weird, I have never talked to anyone that wasn't suppressed. But that's what they feel will be best for me. They are afraid I won't 'turn back on'. So I start Estr.ace on day 20 and call with the first day of next period. From there I have a baseline u/s and bloodwork. Start 225 iu injections of Meno.pur and then add in some orgalu.tran when they tell me. We decided against doing ICSI this time. Clark's counts have been decent and the clinic felt he has had more than enough sperm to fertilize even 15 eggs (which is probably more than most people have) and his motility and morph are perfect.

I know we will learn alot about our problems this cycle. I'm deathly afraid it's a fertilization issue or a chromosomal problem. But they keep telling me the 2 m/c have just been bad luck, they have no medical reasons for them. I'm also deathly afraid of having no or very few follies. Of course, ideally we would have some embryos left over to freeze for either a 2nd attempt if this is not successful or for baby #2 (or 3?). But at this point I am just trying to keep things in perspective and take it one step at a time.

I am also terrified of the retrieval. I don't think I am a big wimp, but the thought of that procedure scares the crap out of me (any advice welcome here). The other thing that surprised me was the mixing of the injections, who knew I would have powder and liquid and have to mix this stuff up? Interesting.

So for now I am trying to wrap my head around it all and keep my eye on the prize. I am still working through a few feelings of bitterness, I'm feeling a little sad that it has come to this but at the same time excited to move onto the next big step. I'm a roller coaster right now!!! The money end of things is a bit daunting to say the least and there is a little fear that this is kind of our last hope, we will attempt more than one ivf, but I mean I just hope ivf is the answer to our prayers.

So for now one day at a time.


Chas said...

I think every girl who goes through IVF has a fear that there will be no follies. I had over 30 the first time, and the second time I was still scared that there'd be none...crazy! There always has to be something to worry about, right?

Don't be scared of the retrieval. You'll be asleep. It's really not a big deal. I've never had any injections to mix on my own, but I'm sure that won't be a big deal either.

I'm so glad you're getting it started!! Though there are some things about your cycle that are notably different than either of mine, I still get where you're coming from and have high hopes for you!!

Mel said...

Scary, but manageable.
I am one step behind you, so hearing your story is going to be extremely encouraging for me.
I am wishing you wonderful, hopeful thoughts and I know you can do this.