Monday, June 16, 2008

This and That...

So I am waiting for my period. CD 22 today and could be anywhere in the next week. My cycles are notoriously short after a failed iui. So I am actually expecting it in the next few days. Which, by the way, will be a blessing, as I am just ready to get this first ivf cycle started already!!

At first I was dragging my feet, but now I have made the decision and I'm ready! I just want to get on with it. I am so impatient, you would think, if anything this infertility journey would teach me some patience. I'm getting better, I realize I don't have a lot of control, so we wait.

I have such mixed emotions about everything right now. Could be the est.race I started on Saturday. Or could be this feels just like such a gigantic step. Hopefully the next gigantic step in getting me the babies that I want.

It's sort of scary of course, the unknown always is. It's kind of exciting because I keep thinking, maybe this will be the thing that WORKS! Maybe this will be IT!!! And it's kind of sobering, because - what if it's not? It kind of makes me anxious about all that we will learn about my eggs and the embryos we make etc. It also kind of makes me hopeful, which in turn is scary. So I guess we have come full circle. I'm everywhere and nowhere all at once! I pray. I pray. I pray. I pray. I could just type that over and over again. But then you would stop reading this, wouldn't you?

I am just trying to focus on each day as they come. The weekend was enjoyable! See below for new pics of my puppies. They make me smile so many times in a day. I am so grateful for the joy and companionship they bring to my life. I have been out walking a lot more because they enjoy it so much, and that is so good for me, because I need the exercise. I did some gardening and entertaining on the weekend and just tried to kick back as much as possible and appreciate and enjoy my surroundings.

A little word on the permanent job front for Clark. Don't want to say too much yet, but we're keeping our fingers crossed. Especially in light of the recent ivf expenses, which I paid on Friday. YIKES! And the fact that our second car is about to crap out!! It's all doable, just not ideal, but then as I have learned, what is the definition of ideal??

In more mixed emotional news, my co-worker shared with me that she is pg! I am happy for her and please note she did not get pg in 2 months they have been trying for a while, this is her 2nd. But still the news was somehow hard for me to hear, of course I said all the appropriate things and didn't melt down in the privacy of my office or anything, but it stung a little I guess, does that ever go away? I don't like that feeling.


Chas said...

I'm holding out such huge amounts of hope for you guys and this IVF cycle. IVF is so different than I'm hoping things are going to be totally different.

I know that stinging feeling you mentioned about your co-worker. While I didn't have the jealousy I read about on some blogs, I still felt that sting many times during those three and half years we tried before getting pregnant with Lila. Then it went away....then it came back when we started treatments again. It's a crummy feeling.

Mel said...

Your puppies are so freaking adorable!

The baby announcements always sting, it just reminds me how different I am from most of those around me!! I am really hoping this IVF is it for you and you will get the chance to have your big announcement.

still waiting said...

Love the puppy pics. I am thinking about what our next step is and we think it's IVF. I am excited because we will learn a lot and the chances are a lot higher, but at the same time, I'm sooo scared about what we will learn. I can't get the thought out of my head, what if it fails?

So, I'm right there with you... and I totally agree about the sting of PG announcements. The only thing that will make that better is one of your own :)

Kymberli said...

I'm sending many prayers and good thoughts for your cycle! I hope that it's THE cycle!