Friday, May 23, 2008

Hope went down the drain...

OK, I did a test this morning and yes, it's only 13dpIUI, but what the heck, can you honestly tell me that I could get a negative today and a positive on Sunday (when it's technically legal to test). I don't think so, I mean really prove me wrong.

So it was of course negative. This is where I start feeling like I am beating my head against a brick wall. 4 iuis since September, 3 of them basically back to back. What the heck does it take me to conceive a baby already!!!

Clark is convinced I am giving up too early. That I just tested too early and he adamantly believes I am pg. I don't know how to let him down easy, so I will just keep it to myself until Sunday and show him the negative test.

It's so frustrating!! I want to scream. I also want to jump head first into plan b, which in our case looks like it's going to be ivf. I feel like the more negatives I see, the more determined I am to make this work, dammit, I know I can have a baby! I am already formulating an ivf plan in my head. I don't want to, it's just where I naturally go. This has been a long hard journey and I just want it to end. I prayed I was pg with twins and then I could have the 2 kids I always wanted and never have to fear not getting pg again. It's all so stupid, I'm wishing my life away. I think we'll try a couple of ivfs and then by the end of 2008, it's move on time. I need to give up on the fantasy.

So discouraged. It seems life in general is just getting both of us down right now. Tired of being kicked while I'm down.


Mel said...

Your words echo my sentiments exactly.
I am hoping there is still a chance for you, you never REALLY know! I have heard of people taking a test in the morning and getting a negative and then retesting in the afternoon of the same day and getting their first positive!

Chas said...

I read so many blogs that get negatives and then shortly get positives. It's a rollercoaster. That's why I always waited for my beta...couldn't handle the emotions.

I'm sorry you're feeling so discouraged, but I can't say I blame you. I never did IUIs b/c they simply weren't an option for us due to our specific kind of infertility, but just know that IVF is a whole different ballgame. You could have a totally different story to tell if you do end up needing IVF.

Honeycutt Family said...

I am personally still holding out hope that you are pg! I just think it was too early. There can be false negatives, but not false positives. Yours is just a false negative.
Praying for you...
P.S. And even if you aren't preggo, we all support you no matter what you decide to do next and will be there for you!

Pink-CJ said...

I am so sorry. I been praying for this IUI to work for you. I went through the same thing. I had 3 IUI's and they didn't work and I went onto IVF and it worked the first time! I am just barely getting into this pregnancy, but I pray my little embie will stick!! Good luck! I know how frustrating it is. IVF might be just what you need even though none of us want to go through with the shots and the emotions, but its totally worth it! Smooches!! Stay Strong!!