BFN...Again...

Well, the iui was again unsuccessful. Man, this is so frustrating. The sad part is, for me, at least, it seems to get easier with each bfn. It's as though, the dream is very distant now, not like it was in the beginning, where, I just thought it will happen. Now, I'm not so sure. So needless to say it has been a freakin' rough week, between the funeral and the bfn and everything, I'm feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed.

On the infertility front, the RE, I think is going ot let us do one more iui. He really only wanted to do three and we have done three, but #1 was partly successful, at least I did get pregnant. Anyway, with all my history and the improvement in Clark's count, we are going to try one more.

Here in Canada most of the stuff for the iui is covered, I have drug coverage through Clark's work, so all in all, an iui only costs us about $200 out of pocket. And I am sooo grateful for that. I know so many people that aren't as lucky as us, especially all my girls in the U.S. One cycle of ivf would probably cost $4500-5000, for us, and believe me, I also know that is cheap compared to what some people have to pay. So don't get me wrong I am not whining, I am just trying to be realistic about our financial goals vs. our fertility goals. I hate to have to balance the 2 things, but let's face it, that's a reality for those of us facing infertility treatments, where do you draw the line. And as I have tried to explain to me fertile IRL friends who have never had to face this dilemma, if you told me I could pay $5000 and walk out of the hospital in 9 months with a real live baby, you wouldn't be able to see me for dust on my way to the RE clinic. BUT, and there is a very big BUT, what if we end up doing 2 or 3 or 5 ivf cycles? Then we're 10, or 20, or 25000 in the hole and what if we do all that and still don't get a baby out of it. That's where I am in my head.

All that being said, I will give ivf a shot and probably more than one. We are also blessed in the fact that we can afford to do a couple cycles of ivf. I mean, we don't have 10 grand sitting around in a cookie jar anywhere, but we do have the means (and by means, I mean credit) to be able to access that money. We have little debt, a house with some equity and a generous line of credit. So it's possible. I just don't want to re-mortgage my house and then wind up childless in the end anyway. Are these crazy thoughts? Do other people think this way?

So, trying not to put the cart before the horse. We are going to give one more try to the iui and then we'll take it from there.

In upbeat news, here are some pics of my babies: