That's what I have had to say lately. And the reason I haven't posted much lately. Still hanging in there. Life has started to resemble the way things were before we started ttc, just with an added bitchy flare.
We are doing all the things we used to do, I feel as though, at times I'm going through the motions and my heart isn't in it. I hope this lessens as time passes. You know, I just thought, should I bother putting up xmas decorations. I was asking myself why I bothered carving Halloween pumpkins. It seems like the things that people with kids should do. Does that mean I shouldn't bother because I don't have kids. It seems pointless and although there is no one to enjoy it with.
I'm sad alot of the time. I am trying to wrap my head around the possibility of not having kids and I'm living my life as though we won't. I'm not worrying anymore about spending, just in case I go off on mat leave. I'm not worried about having enough room in the house to clear out the spare room for a nursery. I'm not counting the days of my cycle or peeing on ovulation sticks. I'm not secretly looking at maternity clothes. I'm not calling for my blood work or driving an hour into the city for appointments. I'm just doing what I used to so before I knew that having kids won't be a 10 month process. It stings. It hurts. But what can I do? I can't decide life isn't worth living without kids.
I still have a great life, it's just very different then I ever imagined. I have great friends and alot of great family. It's what I keep telling myself and how I get through the day. So far it's working.
I hate hope and I refuse to hope anymore. I accept reality. I have to.