Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Nothing too good or exciting...

That's what I have had to say lately. And the reason I haven't posted much lately. Still hanging in there. Life has started to resemble the way things were before we started ttc, just with an added bitchy flare.

We are doing all the things we used to do, I feel as though, at times I'm going through the motions and my heart isn't in it. I hope this lessens as time passes. You know, I just thought, should I bother putting up xmas decorations. I was asking myself why I bothered carving Halloween pumpkins. It seems like the things that people with kids should do. Does that mean I shouldn't bother because I don't have kids. It seems pointless and although there is no one to enjoy it with.

I'm sad alot of the time. I am trying to wrap my head around the possibility of not having kids and I'm living my life as though we won't. I'm not worrying anymore about spending, just in case I go off on mat leave. I'm not worried about having enough room in the house to clear out the spare room for a nursery. I'm not counting the days of my cycle or peeing on ovulation sticks. I'm not secretly looking at maternity clothes. I'm not calling for my blood work or driving an hour into the city for appointments. I'm just doing what I used to so before I knew that having kids won't be a 10 month process. It stings. It hurts. But what can I do? I can't decide life isn't worth living without kids.

I still have a great life, it's just very different then I ever imagined. I have great friends and alot of great family. It's what I keep telling myself and how I get through the day. So far it's working.

I hate hope and I refuse to hope anymore. I accept reality. I have to.

5 comments:

.......................Honeycutt Family said...

Thank you for your brutal honesty....
I hate that IF takes away hope and changes us into people we never thought we would be.

Chas said...

At least you're honest :). You know, for about four months back in 2005 we thought there was a 0% possibility of having kids. We were told that by a doctor...0%. So, during that time I did have very similar feelings to you. I had no reason to hope anymore. I don't even know where I'm going with this really, but b/c of that time I can sort of feel where you're coming from. It's a rough place to be. I'm still hoping for you though, hoping that somehow some way you get what you want.

Kirsten said...

I know it's hard to keep on going, especially this time of year. And I remember feeling EXACTLY the same way you do last year during the holidays. Things can change...please don't stop believing that.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Fertilize Me said...

Reality is a real b*tch sometimes. I am glad that you are trying to pick up the pieces. I saw put up decorations if they make you feel jolly and in the spirit. You do not have to have hope ... You keep blogging and we will provide you the hope you need when you just can't anymore! That IS what this is all about - you be you and we support YOU!

Kate said...

I am so sorry. I am thinking about you and I hope that the holidays will being you some cheer.