Thursday, November 01, 2007

100th Post

I wish my 100th post was not happening at my most defeated.

I had hoped when I started this blog that by now, my dreams would be coming true. I'm tired of the fight right now. My body and soul have been through so much these past few weeks. I don't know how much fight I have left in me now. I am still cramping and bleeding and my body constantly reminds me of what I have lost.

I sat and watched the trick or treaters at the door last night, with a few glasses of wine for solace. I'm afraid I'll never get experience the joys of childhood with my own kids.

I'm deathly afraid of what these latest developments mean. Will I never be able to carry a baby to term? Can they fix this? I have so many questions and so few answers. This latest miscarriage just presents more questions. I hate the idea of waiting around for months while they figure out what they can do if anything. Of course, I will do it, because I can't bear the thought of going through this again.

I think now that the physical aspects of the end of this pregnancy are waning. The emotional ones are creeping in. I hope this deep profound sadness I have found myself enveloped in, will soon lessen.

4 comments:

Fertilize Me said...

I am sorry that your 100 post isn't a post that you wanted it to be.. thinking of you

Chas said...

Oh how I wish your 100th post was different as well. I just hope you get the answers you need very soon.

Honeycutt Family said...

I really hope that one Halloween very soon you will be out there with your little one(s) saying, "Trick-or-Treat" and stealing their candy!!!! So sorry that you are having to go through all of this...

Amanda said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I do not. I am thinking of you and wishing you better days soon. <3