Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Renewed Faith

Well I gave myself a stern talking to this morning and decided, no matter how carefully I approach this, if the worst does happen, I will be devastated anyway. So why not live it up!

I turned this morning from fear to anger. Anger at my Ob/Gyn. How I hate her pessimistic attitude, once I got over my heart being ripped out yesterday, I remembered some other parts of the conversation with her.

Not only did she not calculate a due date, but she told me she wouldn't start my 'pregnancy file' until she sees the u/s at 8 weeks. Wuhhh? Then as I was leaving I recalled her saying that I should go home and pray to whoever I believe in. She did not ask if I was taking a prenatal vitamin, which of course I am, she did not tell me to take it easy, she did not tell me to avoid environmental hazards. No, she told me to go home and pray.

Ok, so let me preface my anger by saying that I have never been pregnant before, I have no history of miscarriage, as far as I know my main diagnosis has been blocked tubes. So I know I am at a higher risk for ectopic, but there is no indication, I can't carry a pregnancy. So I resent the hell out of her indicating I should be more concerned than anyone else! Keep in mind that she is also the one that told me Clark has a low count and the RE felt he was perfectly fine.

So I go again on Monday for the Beta numbers. I feel like asking her if she really wants me as a patient. I am tired of her freakin' doom and gloom, I need to focus on the positive more now than ever in my life and I don't need her pessimistic views clouding my view of the goal. I also thinks she has something against people who are overweight (which of course I am). I have many heavy girlfriends that have gotten pregnant and carried to term, so if she thinks that because I am fat, I won't be able to. That pisses me off.

I don't think her & I can have a working relationship throughout this pregnancy. I don't like her worst case scenario attitude. I understand that she is Dr. and needs to be realistic, but really, a little faith would be nice for a change. I thought this was the one visit that I would leave her office, not crying. Wrong.

On the bright side things are still looking good. The cramping has mostly subsided and I had a good bout of dry heaving this morning, so I thought that was a good sign. I need to be positive and relax. I continue to pray.

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