Thursday, July 06, 2006

What does Elephant taste like?

Back to feeling physically normal. Or at least my version of normal (down 10lbs, at least that is a good thing). I am feeling a bit gloomy these days. I want to let myself hope so badly, but I can't. I keep giving myself the warning talk about how this month is very unlikely and I should expect my period as normal in the next 10 days or so. I am not even sure I ovulated, never got a 'true' positive on the OPKs. Plus the physical effort we usually put in was much diminished by my surgery.

I am feeling pessimistic again this month. I hate the highs and lows so much. I went and got my prescription for the clomid filled. My DR wants to see me back in 2 months. I feel like I am ready to give up again. I try to go on and pretend like I am living my life like normal, but my heart is always heavy. Even as I write this my eyes are welling up again. But what can I do but go on?

My thoughts and feelings change on an hourly basis. This week, very heavy hearted, more so than usual and I feel like this is it. I know I have said this before and none of us ever knows what the future truly holds for any of us. But after the surgery I feel as though, if it doesn't happen by fall, it's not going to. I know I have to quit setting these timelines for myself, but I feel like I can only deal with small increments of time. I can't see past October, nor do I want to, unless the future has a positive spin.

I keep going through the motions of living, but inside I want to scream, cry, rant, rave, beg, plead, be hysterical!! I keep saying all of the right things to my friends and family, but inside I am falling to pieces. I keep coming to work everyday, but inside all I think about is my longing and desire to have a little baby of my own. I keep pretending I am focused on other things, but inside I secretly plan the nursery or think about names. I keep acting like I am handling this sanely and rationally, but inside I feel like I am a complete basket case, who is obsessive and totally out of control.

I need to work on bringing the inside to be more like the facade. I feel like everyday I literally get up and put on a mask. Like, OK I need to put on my going to work mask where the TTC issue doesn't exist. Or OK I need to put on the family mask, where everyone knows we are trying, but nobody talks about it. Or the friends mask, where we talk about it like planning a wedding 2 years in advance, there is always the 'when I have a baby' talk. Or the Clark mask, where I let him see a little bit of my pain, but then turn it off quickly, so not to freak him out. I just need to find a By Myself mask, so I can put it on when nobody else is around.

I know deep down I will get through this, I know I have the inner strength. It just might not be pretty going through the process before I come out the other side. I thought I was dealing with this much better than I am. I thought it was getting easier, but I think I was just getting number. I must keep putting one foot in front of the other.

So all I can do is sum up the plan we have in place and hope something sticks. I once worked for a guy who used to say 'If you throw enough shit at the wall something has to stick'. He also used to say the that overcoming a problem or large task was 'like eating an elephant, one bite at a time.' Sometimes I feel like I've gotten half of this elephant down and don't know if I will be able to finish the rest.

But I digress, the plan... as we know it today:
*July 15-16 - expect period to arrive
*Take 100mg clomid days 3-7
*Hope this month works
*August cycle - expect period 14-15
*Take 150mg clomid days 3-7
*Hope this cycle works
*If no BFP by then see DR again in September

This is one bitter tasting elephant and I get sicker and sicker of it with every bite I take.

1 comment:

Just another Jenny said...

That is a great anology. I like the "throwing enough shit at the wall" one the best - since my husbands sperm is shit, I will take that literally and hope that the shit really does stick one of these days.

It is hard to keep your mind off IF. The only suggestion I have is to be very selfish and spend as much time as you can doing things you like to do. Screw vacumming and go play in the dirt!