Wednesday, July 12, 2006

CD 27 of LAP Cycle

Yeah, I still count they days. If I calculated my O correctly, which I am not overly confident in, I should be about 10DPO today.

I think this journey is supposed to teach me patience. I have never had the virtue of a lot of patience. Clark has also told me I don't like to wait for things. And I admit it, I don't. I'm an results oriented kind of girl. I am also a psychotic and obsessive kind of girl the last year or so. So I decided this morning what my greatest fear about all of this is. The greatest fear is that I will never give birth to a child. I know I have touched on this before, but now I approach it from the perspective that I can wait for all of this to happen. I can muster up the patience to wait until the Universe deems it to be my time, I just can't deal with it never happening at all.

This morning I decided I needed to embrace patience and hope. I have to have hope, because without hope, what do I have. I have a life where I live in constant fear of not being able to realize my greatest dream. I have to stop living in fear. I have to start hoping again, even if it causes temporary disappointment each month. It has to be better than living in the constant numbness that I currently reside in, too afraid of the disappointment to be hopeful. Too wrapped up in today's current despair to see that this too will pass, and the future can still look bright.

So as I go forward this summer I want to embrace life like I used and stop obsessing about this baby dream, but still have hope that the future holds the answer to my prayers.

All that being said, I do have hope still for this cycle. I have been reading so much about women who get pregnant immediately following a Lap or HSG. And I think let that be me, let that be me!!! I am not, however, testing this cycle. I have to stop obsessing. I am driving myself totally crazy.

I will test if my period is late, not here by Saturday, then I will test. And until then, I will be silently praying.

1 comment:

Just another Jenny said...

Silently praying along with you.