Monday, June 19, 2006

Ready, set, go!

Well, I just endured a horrific weekend! I volunteered to host Father's Day brunch for 10 of our closest family members. Did I know the kitchen sinks were going to back up and the dishwasher was going to overflow, 15 minutes before the scheduled arrival of our guests - no! Yup, that was my weekend. I spent much of Sunday mopping up water and doing the dishes in the laundry sink in the basement. Trust me, it sucked!

But it did keep my mind off the upcoming LAP. AF arrived on Friday as scheduled. Clark was more disappointed than I was. (I didn't tell him about the BFN). I knew. So I feel like I have to re-evaluate my plan each and every month. Although it is getting easier, which really surprises me, maybe my shock and disbelief are minimizing. I don't feel the sense of desperation I felt 6 months ago. I am becoming more numb to the BFNs and I cry less about it. I am also really surprised at how much my feelings toward all of this IF stuff have changed in the past six months. I started reading 'A Few Good Eggs' (AFGE) last night. I only read a couple chapters but it got me thinking about what my plan is and what I really want. I also read Jenny's post and comments about heart's desire and what I really want.

I think at this point in time, (I seem to change my mind weekly), I want to be pregnant. I know, duh!!! But I mean, I want to be a parent, but I want to do it on my terms. I have not given up the hope for a biological child, that I am pregnant with and give birth to and nurse and bring home from the hospital. That's my heart's desire. Clark's not evening willing to discuss adoption or anything else at this point (other than IUI and IVF with our own eggs and sperm), and I finally admit to myself neither am I.

So the plan, do the LAP, hope that helps in clearing things out in some way. Give my good friend clomid another 3 months and then IUI. I am feeling a little emotionally drained about all of it. But less desperation and despair.

I have stopped asking why me, and have focused my sights on the prize. I have stopped measuring my success by other people and started focusing on me and how I can help myself. I feel I have made many mental shifts this month. Before I just felt mental.

OK, I am rambling. I have one regret and that is I have told too many people about our journey. But I can't just brush it under the carpet, it has become a major part of who I am and how I view the world. Besides, it's too late, it's out, loud and proud! One thing AFGE reminded me is that I shouldn't feel ashamed about my sub-fertility, it's not my fault and it's not something anyone deserves, it's just shitty luck. And that is something we all need to remember.

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