Friday, March 31, 2006


So in the beginning we decided not to tell too many people we were 'trying'. In fact the only people I told were one family member who had also just started to try (who is due in May) and my best friend. This was mainly Clark's decision, but I respected that, besides, I figured it wouldn't take long before we were sharing our good news with everyone.

After the news in December I told my mom, because I was cranky and a bit pissed that this whole process was no longer within my control and I needed to vent. Part of my reason for this blog is just that - an outlet for the emotions I can't seem to put anywhere else. I go through the explanantion of our situation and then always follow it up with something the other person wants to hear, - like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'what will be will be' or my favourite - 'we'll get there evetually we just don't know how yet.' Do I believe any of this feel good shit? Not really. I try very hard to mask the fact that I am bitter and resentful and angry and scared to death!!!

Why can't I just be honest about my feelings? I guess partly because I don't want to appear to be a horrible person who only thinks about myself, and partly because I don't want to be weak. Right now at the stage I am at, I feel mostly scared, not of the tests and the procedures but of the outcome. Will I ever get my dream baby? Will I be able to give birth to my own flesh & blood, a child that has Clark's sensitivity and humour, my hair and eyes, and Clark's nose? These are the questions that haunt me daily. Does it make me horrible to ache for my child and dream about bringing them home for the first time and visualize seeing my husband hold our child for the first time. I don't know, I think it makes me human.

So let me put this out there right away. Adoption, not against it, may consider it, but haven't yet mourned my own reproductive disability. Or grieved for the child of our genes, that may not be. Ok, I'm being a little dramatic here, but the point is for the few people who have brought this up to me, yes I think it's wonderful that I would be able to provide for a child, any child. Yes, I know I could love a child that was not of my flesh, no doubts there. But the fact is I don't want to entertain that idea, until I have exhausted all the other possibilities.

That being said, am I getting a little ahead of myself you ask? We've really only been going at this for 8 or 9 months, I know. But I am faced with the bleak possibility that there are real issues with both of us that are going to make things somewhat difficult. My girlfriend acts as though I am being incredibly impatient (and I am). But I think my impatience comes from the fear & desperation. I want it to happen so badly that I'm afraid it never will.

Please understand, I am a problem solver by nature. I see the problem, I research the options and exhaust them all until the problem is fixed. I feel much like I am banging my head against a brick wall, can't find the solution and have to rely on others (not my forte) to assist. I could probably attend medical school at this point, I have read so much about conception and assisted reproductive technology.

So I have told a few more people our situation, not many, but a few close friends and family members who seemed interested. Maybe someday, I will let them read this blog, or not.

So I move forward today, mid-cycle, CD13, to be exact, with the hopes of the Big O (with a little help from our friend Clomid) today or tomorrow, still filled with hope & possibility, that maybe this month...

Stay tuned & we'll see...

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